I Hate Mother's Day Because I Don't Deserve It

So I thought I could just let it go as just a title, but there is too much left unexplained. Last night was one of those nights I always need, but dread. A cry night. I was so distraught, I called a new-ish friend. That didn't work out. No offense, but "Just do it" wasn't really what I was looking for. I know what I need to do and it is hard. If I do the math, divorce immediately effects 5 people, then our parents make 9, then our siblings make it twelve, their kids make it 17. Then all of our friends lose a little hope as well. Hope for their own rocky futures. Hope for their own sliding relationships. Then there is my hope. All is lost right now. I am so down, I don't see a way out. I am confused about my sexuality, my future, my kids, whom, at the moment are confused themselves, about what is right vs. what is necessary. I have to re-evaluate all my dreams, reconfigure my goals, learn a new way of life. I have to find a really inventive way to make a living without going to a job. For the first time in my life, I am not sure I have it in me. My energy is drained. My walls are being built higher and higher with each new hurt. I am running so fast and far, I can't see what is right in front me and I know there must be something. There just must be. Today HE texted me and used a code I use on my blog. Is HE really violating my last attempt at privacy? Or is HE just as creative as I am? As for the title of this heavy entry, I feel like I don't even know my kids. I am my mom...that makes me feel sick. I can be that cool mom, but I will never be a great mom. All I see is surface. Some people can look at their kids and really know them, I just don't have it in me. I always whine about intimacy, but my poor boys lack it so severly from t heir mom, I should be taken away from them. They never asked for me to be in their lives, it was forced. I remember when they were babies, I had such dreams for them. Now I hope they survive the daily mental abuse I dish. When they grow up will they be assholes like him or me? Would it be better if I wasn't in the picture? No. I know the answer to that. I am the mom from YaYa Sisterhood. Ashley Judd, just not pretty. I go from cool to huge mean bitch in two seconds. All I need is a bunch of pills. I am going to go to the batting cages to beat the hell out of some balls, since I was let down yet again. Too tired to think and it's only 3pm. Mom's day is tomorrow, do you think they will know what i am thinking when I open their beautiful handmade gifts?