Dreamgirl

I am usually a dreamer, but lately I have lost my dreams. I don't daydream as much. I don't wish anymore. Even at night, I don't dream. i wake up and feel as if I haven't slept at all. I miss my nightly prances. My dreams used to be like predictions. Now nothing. Does that mean my future is nothing? I had a dream to homestead once. I wanted to simplify my life. Live on a large piece of land, live off that land as much as possible. It's not that I don't want to do that anymore, but I no longer have a partner. Who am I kidding? HE was never my partner in that. What a beautiful life that would have been. I wanted to make it a community because I could never leave my friends behind. They would just move with me. We would have a community kitchen and dining room in the middle of the land. I would never require that we ate together all of the time. It was going to be an experiment in the notion that it takes a village to raise a child. I have even dreamed I would find that person who would have the same dream as me, but now I don't know if that will happen. I know the life I am in now is unfulfilling to my soul. I have fun, that's for damn sure, but I really get nothing out of it when the night ends. I love my friends, I really do, but is this really my life? I want love so bad it hurts. I have my kids. I shouldn't be allowed to have them. I don't deserve them. I sometimes have to dream I am somewhere else just to hug them. Sometimes I want to just squeeze them. I know this isn't normal. No mother should ever WANT to not be a mom anymore. What's the matter with me? What has changed that I can't stand my life? I am a shitty housekeeper. I let them graze all day sometimes instead of feeding them regular meals. I ignore them. I let them leave the house dirty, citing personal choice. I have to force myself to let them hug me. I dream about being somewhere else all the time. Doing something amazing, although I don't know what that amazing thing could be. Is this all I am? A non-dreamer? A mom? I should never have been allowed to have kids, just like my mom shouldn't have been able to have kids. Just so tired.