Why didn't your marriage work?

I think because I never wanted it to. He's a nice man. We had a very brief history and then a baby. Over the years we have had much financial trouble. I actually can't remember a time when we didn't have to worry about keeping the electricity on. We have never been stable emotionally or financially. We did not have a strong base to begin with and we have, over the years, built alot on our crumbly foundation. The more weight of responsibility we added, the heavier the burden of keeping things together. So why try this long, why add more to it? It's what you're supposed to do when you grow up. Get married, have children, buy a house. We did it all. My last two kids were born without love between HIM and I present in the room. Mere tolerance. They did not deserve that. I thought I could learn to love him. I tried. I wrote in a journal every day for a month something I appreciated about him. I whispered when I wanted to yell. I laughed at something in my head when he made me mad. Did I ever love him? I guess so, enough to have sex with him in the beginning. (Towards the end, it was, sadly, just habit.) Times have been difficult. Adjusting to his family was really hard for me. They have changed alot to make me feel comfortable. They try very hard. He used to try. Sometimes he still makes small efforts, but more than not, he ignors our world. We still have a world. Five if us live in it, actually three live in and rule it right now, while two of us checked out a while ago. I need to get back there. I need to be in a place of safety. They need me to reign once more. I will I tell them. I will, but I don't. I can't. I don't want to. That's what's real. Anyway. He and I are splitting. I am happy about this. But I ponder. What could I have done to make this work? What did I do to make it fall apart? I know I had so much to do with it. I know I have a mouth, I have a mean spirit when I am feeling disappointed and let down. I have said things that I wish I could have taken back. I have also learned from these mistakes. I just want to be happy. I am really distracted now. Child still awake.