Tickle Me Emo

Who cries at a bar? Apparently me. What set me off this time? Two breakdowns in less than a week...so unlike the past me I got used to. I will try explain. School is starting on Saturday. I am scared to death to be the oldest person in there. Although, thank goddess, I don't look it and none of those young whipper snappers will even suspect my geriatric state. I am also so afraid of failing. Getting up on Saturday morning before 8 is scary enough. Having to be somewhere by 8 is another story. Then there is getting to T/TR classes on time. My new job is in Tempe, my school is in Phoenix. It will be so stressful on the roads. How will I deal with that? I think I will just have to try and leave at 445. My boss seems really cool. OK, so then there is my job. I accepted the position at ADP. I had to take a pre-employment drug screening. I was so afraid I wasn't going to pass, I used another's pee. She's clean and that's what matters. I did the drug test yesterday, which definitely explains some of the tears last night. In preparation of the test, I drank tons of water, read all about how to pass the tests, how long MJ stays in the body and what other substances I could take to debunk the test and buy me some time...just in case I chickened out using D's pee. When I got to D's house to pick up the specimen, I took a shot of vinegar. That shit stings the throat, but I'm all about the cause! I also drank a whole bottle of cranberry juice, and one Ibuprofen and one Tylenol, both of which fuck with the results. I rocked my body hardcore yesterday. At one point I had so much water in me, I felt lightheaded and almost drunk. I have the pee and KR and I set off to the lab. My seat heater in my car is on and I am sweating my ass off just to keep the pee warm. The lab is no longer able to perform drug tests, they have run out of kits. Off to another lab, meanwhile, I have pee in a medicine bottle stashed in my underwear. Get to the other lab, have to wait. It's all good, right? I am scared shitless. I have never done anything like this before. I am so grateful KR was there to keep me calm. The tester calls me into the back. She pulls her rubber gloves on and I have this immediate vision of her patting me down. Oh Shit! The bottle is so obvious. I actually thought to tell her it was my portable vibrator. She asked me to empty my pockets. That was it. I was so lucky. In the bathroom, I dumped the pee in the cup and peed in the toilet my own pee, so they could see I did in fact pee. I waited and waited and waited for the temperature spot to turn green. It was faint, but it went. I walked out and handed her the cup. I had to tell myself several times to steady the cup because my hand was shaking so bad. The deed is done. One less thing to worry about. Picked up the kids and E from school. Well, E really drove herself home, but it was like picking her up. Last night was the last night for me to do two step lessons at the Cash. Except NOT. It was Elvis Death Anniversary and the Lesbian Community was celebrating his life in Style. There were swing lessons and because I don't have a steady dance partner, I did not get to partake of them. I want to take dance lessons bad. I think I need to see if there are any on Saturday after my other class. Went swimming with E, KR, kids and JH. It was fun. My baby K got tired of playing with me and actually told me he wanted to play with his other mommy. (That's E.) I think both mine and E's chest puffed a little with pride! Earlier in the week, the woman at my school admin office told us that a child should have two moms. That was great. HE told me that HE felt it was unfair that I was able to budget to save $1000 per month and that HE felt I should pay for half of the bills so HE could save an equal amount as me. Last week HE said that I should pay the car payment, the cell phone bill and half of daycare. I told HIM I would pay for all that and the whole daycare bill. HE always knows the worst time to drop a bomb on me. HE wants to make it as hard as possible for me to move. I guess what HE doesn't get, even after all these years, is that my will is strong and I will get what I want. Je and I didn't talk at all yesterday. It kinda sucked. I guess I am a little disappointed with the situation, or I was last night, at least. I texted D from the bar. The text was semi-genius, I thought. Of course I was drunk, sooo... It said "Without the third wheel, there'd be no tricycle. I know I'm important." I knew D would know that this was an explanation and a plea, a satiric joke. She understood. Unfortunately, she didn't have her phone on her 'til much later. I really hate not having someone to hold my hand or hold me at night. (Except cuddle Wednesdays!! Haha!) I don't want to be romantically alone anymore. We moved to a couple of different bars and drank some more. Still only three of us. I hid in the bathroom at one bar, left the next bar and E followed me. Even after I texted her not to. I don't want or need to be followed. PWK must think I am the neediest, drama princess ever! I should have had them drive me home after the Cash, but I thought my night would get better, not worse. We ended our club hopping at Charlies, a really fun and packed country gay bar. We went outside and the subject of my straightness came up. I am really sensitive about this right now. I don't belong in either world and that is a very unsettling feeling. I am pretty unconventional anyway and I don't fit in everywhere all the time, but I am also very black and white on alot of important issues. The question of my sexuality is gray. I don't like gray. I want to belong somewhere. I don't want to be in limbo anymore. That conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked E where the bathroom was with the full intention of just walking the 4.5 miles home. I made it to the side of the bar before I had to sit. I didn't leave my spot for a long time. D finally called me back. Not because she heard my drunk message or my crying message, but because she read into my text. Feels good knowing someone knows me so well. Likewise, E caught on quickly that I didn't just go to the bathroom. I cried alot outside, went inside and tried to tell E I had allergies, even though I knew she wouldn't believe it. We talked again, the serious ME and YOU, nobody else really matters talk. I need that strength right now. Just like I needed our Wednesday sleepover. E means the world to me right now. I danced a couple of times, but the second time, my dance was interrupted by a phone call from A-DS. She's an amazing person. The night ended when a very drunk, soon to be VERY hung over, E fell of a bike with only one peddle and injured herself. At home, I am not sure how I got myself to bed in PJ's, but I slept hard. The night that I prayed to end was finally over.