maybe, should it end?

Why let myself get deep? It's useless. Distance is too much. But then I ask, how much does a physical relationship matter? Why even get my hopes up when there is no way to do anything about it? Just feeling lame today, I guess. Super moody. Way down. It's E's birthday. I was supposed to be there, but I couldn't be. We made the plans together, but I guess you can never predict someone new. I truly hope they are having a wonderful time. I have felt pretty stable over the last few weeks but now I just feel like running. I just want out of my skin, my home, my state, my country (hard to stake claim to that one). I just want to be someone else, someone with a fabulous life. Not someone who is always struggling. I am too tired to continue. It's just too much right now. Today is Sunday, I should be hanging with my kids, but HE took them all day. Haven't seen them in a week, now I have to wait another week. They probably think I hate them. HE probably tells them that I do. I really hate my job. My goal is feeling out of sight. Deflated. Off to spend money I don't have and put on weight I don't need.