I Had A Dream

I dreamt last night that I was prego....with HIS child. Yuk!!! It would have been my fourth, it was a girl. Anyway, I selected a mom to adopt her, which I later decided not to do. The dream is really nothing compared to my feelings when I woke up. I feel really sad that I will never have another child. I wasn't ready for the first two, and the third I have such an amazing relationship with. Not that I don't have good relations with A1 and A2, but it's a little different. I also feel that because of my age when I started having kids, that maybe, I make mistakes or do things that REAL mom's don't do; like honor my needs. I have definitely covered these thoughts in previous blogs. Should my life be solely about their well being and happiness? At any rate, getting back to the dream feelings.. If I had another kid, would I screw that child up as much as I may be screwing the other three. I mean, I'm not like a real mom. I like to go out drinking on any given Monday thru Thursday and Saturday night, I don't want a conventional job, I smoke a little weed, or sometimes a lot. Then there are social aspects, having a queer mom. They don't know many other kids whose mom's kiss other woman. What kinds of questions does this bring up? What kinds of hurts? Teasing, harassing, anything? And what kind of shit will they take from their dad for me? Is this the only reason I want to have another child? NO. I want to raise a girl, but it's not really in my stars to do so. I guess I am doing exactly what I tell T not to do, project on the future. Who knows what will happen in the future. I'm just being silly. My kids are great and I hope I tell them enough how much I love them. I know they know in their guts, but I think they should hear it at least 37 times a day. I know they will grow up being more strong, open-minded and tolerant than most people could ever dream of being. Maybe my girlfriend is the girl I will end up raising!! Haha, babe. I'm kidding!!