I'm Scared

There is so much transition in life anyway without all this inner transition. It’s been almost a year since I left my husband and started dating women. It took me nine months to feel like I could possibly be loved and love again. In that time, I stirred up my family, I taught my children who you love shouldn’t have anything to do with genitalia, I started school, where I do my best to excel, I have watched my ex fall in love with another and give up on all house responsibilities and I let down my guard and learned to feel again. Now I am adjusting to having a significant other, being in love with a woman, who, for the most part, I feel is just a person. One two occasions, I have been conscience of the thought that the person I am in love with is a woman. Those times aren’t when I am fucking her, but when I am in this moment of pure bliss, staring into her smiling, almond shaped, hazel eyes. I am not questioning myself; more like I’m in astonishment of how right I feel. I always laugh out loud then have to explain to her why. Both times I have asked the retoricle question after my spoken thoughts, “You know?”. And both times she says in her beautiful sing song voice, “Baby, I have always loved women”. She doesn’t know where I am and I can accept that. You see, though, it’s much harder for me to accept that I don’t know where she is. This is unknown territory for me. Starting at the shear beginning of this being my first queer relationship, leading to the present question of gender identity. Things are moving slow, the way I like them, so I don’t really notice change, but change is looming. In all forms. HE is moving out. I have to get a good enough paying job to support my household and put Kbaby in daycare. I HAVE to put Kbaby in daycare. The dynamics of certain friendships are drastically changing. And now this. From Saturday night on, I will be wondering, until she has a definitive answer for me, how to fuck her. What pleases her. What she really wants and if what I was doing before was more for my benefit than hers. My life has been changing so much in the past year, will it ever even out? Will I ever feel like I am not falling, drowning, choking, wishing for a fast end to the madness? I am trying to be patient and watch things fall into place, but much like Tetrus, when one piece fits perfectly, another odd shape falls from the sky and I only have a few short moments to turn it and move it to fit into the best place. If I miss, even by one block, I have to compensate for the mistake until that misplaced block dissolves into many separate lines. I don’t know how many more misplaced blocks I can handle. I am being swallowed by the great ocean of life.I am not discounting all the daily blessing, or maybe I am. Right now, all I can see are my hardships, I get reminding glimpses of good here and there. When that happens, I am overjoyed, I feel whole again and I remind myself to remember those times, recalling the song that was on, the people I was with, the thought that popped right before the smile did. Am I capable of just seeing the good and letting the minute sliver of bad roll on passed as just another challenge in my amazing life? I hope and I strive for that. Good thing striving is enough for right now or I don’t think I would be alive. So day by day by day by day by day, I will endure this life. I will challenge my boundaries. I will fall hard and struggle to get back up. I will rejoice in the love all around me and make more when I feel there is not enough. These are things I can do. I am scared, but I can choose to confront my fears, and I do.