Fam Damnily

So I have removed myself from my maternal family.It really bothers me. Not because I miss them. They are assholes. Always waiting for me to fuck up. I am outing my family in this blog, telling those secrets that were never supposed to be common knowledge. Swept under the rug. Maybe that's what the problem is, my sister EM and I got pregnant before we married, the outcome is OUT, you can see it. Is that the difference? My cousins, who did much worse things than us, were treated like perfect princesses. At least two were arrested for big things, one for smuggling drugs across the Mexico/US border (she also had a baby before marriage) and the other for felony shoplifting. They all drank like fishes in high school and had mucho sex. I didn't do any of these things and yet I am the one singled out. I was reamed when I chose to be vegetarian. What the hell? Anyway, the last straw was a trip to Mexico, a funeral and the aftermath. EM and her friends went to MX for three day, I thought it would be fun to drop in on their party. E, A and I got there Saturday mid morning and left Sunday night. The house was left clean, money was left in the jar, nothing broken, nothing lost. The way we got it. A week later, Uncle B dies. About a month before this, UB came to me in an early morning dream and let me know he was sick and going to die. My mom called later that day and I told her I already knew. It was like I had made peace with my uncle. So he dies and I have plans to go out the Thursday of his viewing. I don't need to see his corpse. I get up super early for the funeral, drive to Tucson to attend. My bitch of a mother sat next to my dad's sister at the funeral ,but wouldn't make room for my dad. He had to sit alone. I went and made a small scene about sitting with him. Hung at my Aunt B's and visit with family. Most of the fam is outside in 100plus heat. No thank you. I stayed inside and talked very briefly to the people around who came in and out. Then I left. I had a silent auction to run at 4. Got home, had a fun night. Woke up and was hanging with E when, duhn duhn duhn, my cell phone rings, DWYER shows on the screen. "Shit, this can't be good." I said to E. "Um Hello?" It's Aunt B calling to give me a new asshole. Did I have fun In Mex? Were there any problems? Cuz usually people call her and tell her if there are problems. No problem I say. Well in that case, as far as she is concerned I can rent next time I'm down there. Eek, alrighty then. Phew, is that it? Not quite sista. "Now is there anything you need to say to me?" Strained voice, angry, angry. Not that I can think of. "Something that you could say to your cousins, so appalling, in my house, they felt they had to come and tell me right away?" (That's not exactly what she said, but pretty close.) Holy fuck, what could I have said and when? I was high at the funeral, but not the reception. Definitely not stoned then. At the grave site to the car, I said something to my dad about not wanting to be around the fam that much, cuz their version of giving a shit, is gossip. So that was it, a private conversation, on the way to my car, was overheard by my cousin and relayed to my Aunt as being had at the house. So my Aunt asks me "Why did you even bother coming?" How the hell do I answer that. Obligation brought me there? Once again, what the hell? Then as if that wasn't enough, she tells me "No one cares about you, yesterday was about Uncle B." Well then. I get it. So the aftermath, EM, who's trip to MX is was in the first place, does not even get one word spoken to her about not calling or about not attending the funeral. So, I enrolled in school, got a phat grant and am moving on with my life. Just without them. I will also be bridging the gap my mother made between me and my dad's family. All holidays were spent with mother's family, then dad's secondary. I know my cousins on m's side soooo much better, but I will try to fix that. I'm sorry dad that you have had to live with this shit for so long. Sever now. They're not worth the trouble.

Are We There Yet?

More precisely, am I there yet? No. I can't even see the end. Will I ever love myself enough to allow anyone else to love me? Am I just waiting out this life alone until I die? I hate this life. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to be, how to be. I think of me in so many different scenarios, but none fit. I want so badly to find my place in this world. I want to be important, a contributor. As it is I am a big lump. I am a nobody. I don't have a job, much less a career path. I don't have anyone to share my deepest thoughts and dorkiness with. I want to be held and I want to want to hold that person back. I want to die. (No suicide watch please, not gonna do anything to myself.) I just can't continue like this. LOST. I turn one way and I get trapped in a spider web. I get out of that sticky situation only to find myself knee deep in quicksand, sinking sinking sinking. Someone may cross my path, pull me out and lead me to a sunny pasture, but it always rains. Each triumph is followed by a tragedy. How can I look back and wish I didn't take a certain path when I could never possibly know where a different path may have led me? It could be worse. Or maybe better. There are so many things in this life I am grateful for not knowing first hand. For the most part, my friends are also life's refugees. Setting up camp in the darkest part of the forest, wondering why they can't see ahead. Sometimes they are looking backwards, trying to get out the way they came in. Some are just giving up and dying. Some are hoping that the dark is light, so much that they believe they are ok. Some are just running in circles, hiding behind trees or setting camp up in a different place every night. Some don't even need camp because they can't sleep, can't sit still. I wander between all these people and wonder where I fit in. We all see that pasture sometimes, but we rarely see each other in the light at the same time. We rejoice when someone makes it out, but cheer more loudly when they are back in with us. Safety in numbers. The crazy's stick together. I am in the middle, I am at the bottom, I HOPE. Now how do get to happiness? How do I get There?

I'm Proud of You

I have realized with some terrifying observations, that I reveal too much of myself all the time. I talk alot. Anytime something happens to me, even around me, I have to tell someone. So what gives? I have been observing myself, as I mentioned above and I I think I know why I do this. I want someone to feel proud of me. My mom never did, never does. More and more I have come to see this. (I'm having major mom issues right now.) I remember once wanting to tell my mom about a good grade and I walked out back and caught her smoking pot. Instead of being able to tell her, she yelled at me to go back inside. Later, she asked what it was I needed and she said, Oh That's Good. To me, it was better than good. If it was just good, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of potential let down; which is what I mostly got. I know she is not proud of me because I struggle with this very issue with my boys. And because I am aware of it, I overcompensate sometimes. My parents were less than proud when I go prego with A1. I realize that they were disappointed, but I seemed to have things together. An apartment, a savings account, a job with health benefits, the boy was staying with me. (You know what they say about hindsight.) My point is that, although, I was young and dumb, I made a grown up decision and had a little back-up. Maybe they didn't have to be proud right at that moment, but after I had A1 and I didn't go on welfare or drugs... Maybe pride isn't the word I am seeking. Acceptance. That's easier, right Mom? I guess not to her. I am not going to tell my parents about me going back to school. I figure, they will find out when I send out graduation invites. If I tell my dad, he has a knowledge that my mom doesn't, then she finds out, then finds out that he knew first and my dad's in the doghouse...again. See my mom has never really accepted my dad either. You know, she has never accepted anyone. I know it's not just me... Anyway, if I tell my mom, she tells my aunts and uncles, who tell my cousins and somehow, their lack of acceptance oozes it's way back to me and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I know that not much of this makes sense to a reader, but my internal dialogue and I get it. My point is, I need to be accepted for who I am. I don't get that from the one unit I should, so I seek it out. Please listen to me, take interest, maybe be proud to be my friend. Now to correct this in my parenting. I could gush, but that's not real. I could brag, but nobody likes that. I actually don't know the first thing about being proud of my babies. I am much more accepting of people who live outside the box than my mom ever was. But what about those differences that I find challenging. Like A1, is the slowest mother fucker I know. Seriously, nobody is slower. I can say I hate it! Everything take 5 times longer, like getting out of the car today. He had no shoes on. He knew we were going to get out of the car. And yet the three of us waited in the heat for him to get his damn shoes on. Or he has to finish a chapter or a story in those fucking highlights mags. I want to really believe that he is retarded so I can peg a reason for his slowness. "This is my oldest, A1, (whisper) He's retarded. We're working on getting his shoes on before we leave the house.." Why can't I accept that he is a slow mother fucker and actually plan for his need for extra time. He could be a series of periods after a sentence, a llllllloooooooonnnnnnnnggggg pause. I turn off the car, K and A2 open the door, I step out into the 100 degree heat. I turn to A1.........................................................he gets out of the car and shuts the door. We are on our way. Does he need the attention? This is not a new scenario, it did not just start because of the domestic turmoil. So feedback on this blog would be good. If A1 told me he was gay or, God forbid, wanted to join the military, I could accept that. But if he leaves the house again to go on a swimming play date and it dawns on him a half hour later that he didn't bring his trunks, I might kill him. I never wanted to be anything like my mom. I hate her parenting, so much that I almost hate her for it. I hate the way she raised me and taught me to raise my own. I have changed so much, but something as simple as acceptance is too much for me to change. Why?

She didn't really mean it, but she may have a point

The kids are home. They don't miss a beat. It's been loud, messy, stressful and, admittedly, funny at times. The three nights before they got home, I partied like a rock star. Drink, drank DRUNK. I was sober Friday night...until we got back to E's. Our annual Bunco for Boobs and Silent Auction was held on Friday. It was nothing like last year. This year barely anyone showed or spent. It was very disappointing. E was a little down after the auction, so I did what any friend would do, I took her dancing!! We had a really good time, I was even sober. On the way home we listened to sad music and talked and listened. When we got back to her house, she said something so sad. She said she would rather have never known true happiness and lived her life naive, than to feel the pain after the happy. The next morning, I asked her if she meant it, she said no, but I know part of me wishes it everyday. Why does there always have to be an opposite? Does anybody know happiness without pain? Does anybody know neither?

The rest of the weekend was fun. With a few exceptions. My Aunt B called and ripped me a new one. Various reasons, none of which I argued, but I had valid arguments. She will think what she wants and I give up caring. I am done with my mom's side of the family. In fact, I may be done with my mom. Hate is a strong word, so I choose the next word down from that. I knew there was a huge reason I choose amazing people as friends. They are my family, not those I was born into.

Went dancing Saturday night again. I got to drink this time. E blamed me for some of her pain. I feel like an asshole. What I said was true and from the heart, but some part of me thinks that she thinks I am trying to sabotage her. I know you read this, so let it be known that I am definitely not.

Hung with the kids on Sunday. That night I called HIM over to watch the kids while I grocery shopped. I got home and HE stayed... I am sick thinking about it. HE's moved HIMself back in. I am not sure if I move out what rights I am giving up. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I feel like a crazy person. Not breathing, crying, sobbing, frantically filling in holes in the backyard, doing laundry, moving HIS shit out of my room. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I think I may have to be committed soon. I am really alone in this. There are wonderful people around me, but nobody can do what I need to do. My world is in chaos and I can't get it orderly.

Where would I be now, if I had not allowed myself that brief and lustful happiness ten years ago?

Do you ever wish?

I wish I could melt into my favorite songs. Like I was the person who wrote the song or who it was written for. To have feelings so strong that they were worth writing songs about. I always wanted to write a blog of all song lyrics. I always add song lyrics to my posts, but sometimes they are too subtle or obscure to notice. I have been listening to alot of music lately. New songs, old favorites. It's funny how a song can bring up crazy memories or a new song can remind you of someone, someplace or sometime. "Blister in the Sun"-Violent Femmes, Kallee, Laura and me all in the front seat of Kal's dodge car with no shocks or struts. Bouncing along with a cooler full of soda in the trunk. Never without Dr. Pepper. That summer gas was 99 cents at the AM/PM. We filled up everyday and cruised around Mill every night. Java Road, Descendants God, break dancing on the corner where the PF Changs is now. "Bus to Beelzebub"-Soul Coughing, Brian, Kim, Linz, late nights, watching the sun rise, eating Taco Bell at 430 in the morning. Cruising Mesa, sitting on the window sill of Brians blue car, no shirt, just a bra after a monsoon storm. My first drag of a cigarette. Remember that, Brian? I almost fell off the car, or maybe I did. "Destination Course"-Spaceman Spiff, Mark, Kallee, Laura, AnnMarie, Lil' Kim, first show at the Nile, upstairs. Then later in the basement. "Tapin' up my Heart"- Mr. T Experience, Linz and I went to the coffee shop in downtown Mesa to meet before classes at MCC. Linz, remember TOM? Cute glasses boy. Bought my vintage record player at that coffee shop. Kathryn, remember that Piebald show and hanging at your house afterwards? Coloring books and crayons. "Lovefool"-the Cardigans. Meet and greet at Gibsons sponsored by Joe Trevino and Sony music. Hanging out with Nina, talking about their guest appearance on 90210. (Oh, the 9-er.....) Promise Ring, Mineral, 764-Hero, the beginning of Emo. Shows every night. The First Warp Tour at Desert Sky, 4th of July '96. Moshing, skanking, dancing, smuggling food in, saying I was diabetic. Skinny dipping afterwards til the sun rose. Jimmy Eat World playing free shows at the Nile. Westen, Lifetime, Safehouse, Pauls ex Kendra wanted to kick my ass, my grrls had my back. <3 Linz, Megan, Kim. Pharcyde and Souls of Mischief, my first hip hop show with Rob. My love of electronica started after the Prom when we went to that rave. My mom never found out. "I Cross My Heart"-George Strait, the only song I danced to at Prom. We looked good!! "Everything Sucks Today"-Descendants, night Ryan and I hooked up. 6 months later......."Pumpkin Eyes"-Silver Scooter, the test comes out positive and my life is upside down. "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset"-Modest Mouse, 1998, Boston's with Melissa C, 8 months along, videotaping the massive amount of drugs coming out of Isaac Brock's deep pockets. "You Gave Your Love to Me Softly"-Weezer, wedding song. Lake Powell, 1999, blizzard, cold feet and cold feet (no typo) wrinkled shirt, smoking weed with my mom for the first and LAST time. During the last 9 years, I have been living in the past. Listening to old music. Wishing I was back there. Not realizing the memories I could have been making. "The Sweet Escape"-Gwen Stafani, the Cash Inn, my first Lesbian bar experience with Erin, trying to two step and line dance. I have two left feet. Ha! "Smack That"-Akon, El Dorado Hot Springs, Dixie, we weren't supposed to talk. It was supposed to be a totally introverted experience. Oh, well, we tried. Drove home from there in our bras. "Want To"-Sugarland, seriously too many memories to mention. Dixie, Erin, Justin. "I Can't Take It"- Lola, road trip to Powell with KimB. Dry Beaver Creek, spirit totems at mile marker 444, dreams and revelations. How many times did we listen to this? There are so many more music memories. I am trying to live in the present. The past was yesterday and it has made me who I am today. "You fall apart again, and you can find a friend. Don't turn to someone else, cuz they won't understand. Don't wanna hear you say that you miss yesterday, if you don't like what you see, that means nothing to me.." New experiences, new friends, old friends, memories. Maybe they were all written for me alone.

Making Decisions

So many things to decide. HE wants to move back in. I will have to leave if he does. I have lined up a place to live and the people are really great. I would have to leave my kids at home. I would drive home everyday to be with them, then leave at night. I would have to work almost every night. I have so much coming out right now I can't even type. Today is a good day. I am really weepy, but I am alone and have few plans. I'm going to see a sad movie later. I am going alone. I need to be alone, I guess. Really tho, what are my need vs my wants? I have so many plans this week. And none of them really have anything to do with what needs to be done. Alot of drinking involved. I am working my lame 4 hours tonight. There's always happy hour at Applebees after in case I need to get my drink on. My great Uncle Bud died on Saturday night. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I did have a dream a month ago that he would die, so I actually made peace then. The day of the dream, my mom called and told me that he was very sick and I already knew. So he's dead and I HAVE to go to the funeral. If I don't, and it should be my choice, but it's not, I will be even more shunned from the family. It will be very umcomfortable. I hate funerals. Let it be known that I do not want a funeral. I want all of my friends and family to take road trips to my favorite places and dump my ashes. No memorial service, NO fucking funeral or burial. Say goodbye in your own way, not some psuedo-traditional way. Anyway, I have to go to Tucson for this shit. Be supportive to a family who does not support me. Last week my sis K went to a party at my Aunt B's and they all asked her about me. Not one of those mother fuckers has bothered to pick up the phone and ask me. Fuck them. Then I am the asshole when I say that to them. So keep my mouth shut, or confront. Just another decision. So I keep thinking me living on my own will be good for me. But what about the kids? They are on a roadtrip right now with the inlaws. I don't really miss them. I am having fun. I know tho that it will get old after a while, right? I am afraid it won't. That I will be one of those mom's who doesn't live with her kids because she doesn't want to. I love my boys. I can't even deal with my thoughts for a blog. That's sad. I also need to get a better job, or promote, but I don't want to work at Target much longer. I should go back to school to make something of myself. But who's to say I haven't. I'm getting hot. This is getting stupid. Once again, I don't want to deal, so I am taking a shower and pretending like my life is great.

WWIII

Long day Friday. Supposed to dance with KR, but we both decided cancel would be better. Get home around 11. Gotta be up at 430am. Road trip in the morning. Clean sheets. Pack. Go to bed. Something on my head. Stray hair on my arm. What the fuck? Roach jumping from my arm to my bed. Running around and around. On my pillow. Under my sheets. On the headboard. Whap!! Fucking bastard, DIE!! Near miss, got it's hind. Runs behind my bed. Shaking and breathing hard. Holy fucking shit, what is flying at my head? It's a moth, it's a duck....it's the roach, coming in for the kill. Kamikaze stylie. I duck. It misses. Lands in the bathroom for refuel. My Flip Flop Fleet is already engaged. Bombs away. So long sucker. Still shaking. HE calls. Talking Talking Talking. Some story about a friend who fucked a local rock star in my bed 8 years ago. Holy shit, rebirth. On the door. No it's still on the bathroom floor. Another? God no!! It prepares to take flight, but my FFF is on it. Bam.Bam.Bam. Falls to the ground and before it can be taken hostage, it flees. Jesus Christ, there is a third.....and a forth. HE is still on the phone. Get the Raid HE says, you deserve this for kicking me out HE says, no one will help you now HE says. Hang up. I don't need this. Hysteria. Short breath, crying, shaking uncontrollable, pacing in small well lit square in living room. Call D. She will save me. Just keep me company while I wait out the attack. They must give up sometime. Surrender mutha fuckers, I yell. K, my sis, comes home. She has to pee. Don't go in there I yell. What the hell is in there, what did you do? Why are you hysterical? Roaches. A whole platoon. They sent one on recon and I killed it and they all came to kill me. She pees upstairs. D insists on talking to K. D wakes V. He's on his way. She's on hers. K reassures D that the pilot that started the attack was GINORMOUS!! Back up is on it's way. In the meantime, K and I are gearing up for the fight of our lives. There's one. Thwack!! The one I raided is twitching in the sink. Three down. Twelve to go. Fresh troops. V arrives. He's armed....with a candy cane? Well, moral support then. D walks in. Business casual in her jammies, killing machine flip flops and no bra. The hunt begins. By 2 a.m., the battle is over. Nine of their men were lost in battle. Three of ours lost sleep, but thank goddess, we walk away with our lives. K in bed. V and D go home. I try to sleep, but I now I suffer from PTSD. The battle is over, but the war is just beginning. Look out world. A sewer by you could be bombed at any time. Plug your sinks and tubs, close your outside doors, buy a cat (get it fixed), and arm yourself with bug killer. IT'S ON!!

What A Long Strange Trip

Holy Moley. I am stressing hard core right now. I'm at my folks house. Brought a friend with me. I was supposed to have this fucking fantastic weekend wakeboarding, but instead, I am wishing I was home. I guess I will start with last night, although this week deserves some props. I had no kids all week. I took care of four, yes four, sick people. I am really sick of sick people. I guess I am going to start on Monday even though it's Saturday night. E, A and I got back from Mexico around 2 am Monday morning. I actually can't remember Monday. I feel like I have lived lifetimes since then. Tuesday, I hung out with E almost all day. That night, we went to a Mercury game. I was wasted. What's new these days, huh? Anyway, I had a great time. I met some new people. One, I seem to be thinking about. I can't think about getting to know someone now. I am trying to know myself. I am really self conscious about all my baggage. It seems that I will get to know someone and they will find out about my situation and it will all be worthless. Besides, I don't need anyone in my life right now. That person would probably get sick too and I would have to take care of them. I am not resentful, ya'll, but a fourth person just got sick on me today and I just want everyone to be well. Back to tues. During the game, J texted me and basically told me to Fuck Off cuz i was already drunk when we were supposed to go get a drink together. Haven't talked to him since. Probably won't again. After the game, we thought about going out dancing, but the two I was with didn't want to and I was too drunk to go alone, cuz I shouldn't have been driving. So no dancing for me! On the way home, I laid some verbal vomit all over E. I told her alot of what was on my mind and it felt good. Later I was worried that she felt burdened. She did, but hopefully not anymore. I stayed up pretty late. Wed I woke up, found a wakeboard on Craigslist. Drove to fucking Queen Creek to buy it. On my way, HE called to offer me a job at HIS work for cash. I accepted, but after I found out that HE offered it to H first. Holy hell, H? Are you invading everywhere? Don't worry sista, I don't blame you. It just gets crazier for you. I work for HIM. After I leave, I go to E's and take her to the doctor. She is still swollen and generally shitty. After we get back from the doc, we hang out. Then A, her "not-girl", comes over and E jumps from one sym-pathetic to another. D called and wanted to go dancing...early, like 7. Nobody goes out that early, I tell her. She accuses me of blowing her off for E. Not even. E has A now, I have been replaced. Ha ha. I go home and D says she's on her way. By this time, its late. She gets there and she's fucking sick. Puking!!!!!! And she still wants to go out. The vibe sucks in the car. V is trying to be comforting. I am wanting to jump from the car. She eats, feels a little better. We go to Cash. I am trashed...again. Had another anyway tho. It's poker night there, so no dancing. Nice atmosphere tho. Moving on to Glam. Not a good scene. Moving again to BS West. What the hell, I'll have another. I danced my ass off. D joined a gay football league. That was funny. I was a third wheel again. That sucked, luckily, I was too drunk to really notice. We left pretty early cuz D got sick again. I was supposed to be at HIS work the next morning at 10. As you can imagine, I overslept. I called and said I was gonna be late. He gave me shit, so I decided I would earn his shit. I stopped at Mama Java's and J was there. I ended up talking to her for another hour. She told me to get a lawyer fast. She and I are very similar. It's like talking to myself sometimes. Anyway, that talk was really good. I was an hour and a half late for work. Ha ha. Thursday night I got my tongue re-pierced. Love it. Then I went to the Vine for a drink and dinner with HIM and my sis. C called and said she was so sick she couldn't move. I brought her crackers and vitawater and sat with her til she fell asleep. I went home, so ready for bed, then came 1:30am text from HIM asking me to text HIM that everything would be OK. I called instead. Big fucking mistake. We got in a huge fight. He kept on insinuating that I was a bad mother. That I put my "new lifestyle" ahead of my boys. I told HIM that I was getting a lawyer. There was an underlying reason why he was shitty tho. He has a crush on a girl. NO FUCKING WAY GUESS WHO? That's right H. Mutha Fucking H. Holy hell. First E then HIM. Wow. Well, I guess he can move on. I'm over it. He made an ass of himself I guess over text and so I spent the night on the phone with HIM. Til 4 am. I had to be up at 7 to get Ki to the doc at 75th Ave and Deer Valley. I'm up, I get her there and we hang all day. D calls freaking about the auction. Ki and I spent the afternoon looking at chics on myspace. She likes the more femme ones and I like them more boi. It was fun. She really let me in on a lot. I had no idea that she was so lesbian at heart. It was a real eye opener. Anyway I left there. Went to D's. Put on make-up all by myself. Usually my sis does it. I was supposed to go out with KR, but we mutually cancelled. I had a secret agenda and lost my guts. I wanted to go clubbing and hunting for the girl I met the other night. But it was not to be as I needed to be up at 430am to drive to Page to wakeboard all weekend. Which brings us to present day....I think. I have really lost track. Picked up Ki at 5am. On the road. Got here at 1030. Trip was really fun. We took a bunch of pics. When we got here, the house was tense as hell. My other sis was an argumentative bitch. My mom...well she was just herself. My dad and her fought all day. Put me down at lunch for letting baby K paint his face in drag. Ki was really mad and called them fuckers over text. Finally we are going out to the lake. I can't wait to get into the water. I am gonna pick it up quick and run with it. I should be pro by next year.... well I can dream. We waited in the sun for 30 minutes and Dad didn't show up with the boat. Turns out the brakes locked on the trailer. No wakeboarding for me. Ki is sick. She probably won't even go with us in the a.m. The trailer is fixed. I am really tired. I am also embarrassed about the fam. I just want to be home. Luckily, home seems to be text away. Thanks KR. Tomorrow we have a whole itinerary planned for the return trip. Hope at least that goes as planned. For now....