If...

If we met at a different time, if you could still play, if I didn't have so much school, if we would have let each other in, if I fought harder to keep us, if I just kept my knowledge of the kiss to myself, if we weren't intoxicated, if you didn't kiss her, if I didn't have expectations, if you weren't already cracked, would things be different?, would I be crying every day?, would you be sitting on your patio, smoking, wishing you were not here? So much of my pain is watching you struggle. It's nearly unbearable to see you hurting so bad. I wish I could take your pain on. I can handle it. I just want you to be happy. With or without me in your life. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for so many laughs. Thank you for your passion. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.

Such a Baby

This pain is intolerable. I can't stand this weight in my chest anymore. I want her near. I want her to hold me and tell me there's been a mistake and we can go on happy, because we weren't unhappy. She's just as raw as I am, hurting just as bad. I think that makes it worse that she's hurting so bad, because I am hurting worse cuz she is. Fucking no win circle. I am sleeping alone again tonight. Crying myself to sleep again. I should be all dried up. When will it stop feeling like my world is collapsing in on my chest and pushing the air right out of me?

tender hearts

the tears just won’t stop
every idle moment brings a new wave
it’s so consuming and overwhelming
my eyes burn from sunrise to sunset
it wasn’t supposed to end that night

making it harder and easier
are my three valiant knights
quietly rallying around me
and demanding i meet their requirements
they sense the sad, they don’t know why

when i saw the new picture
two new streams started down my face
it’s evident how much she is hurting
and my heart is shattered in a thousand pieces
this can’t be right, this can’t be finished

she made a promise
to hold me that way again
she doesn’t make promises
so this must be real
but i feel foolish holding this hope

so i need to give her thinking room
let her be with herself
but it’s too much for me
knowing she’s so close and i can’t touch her
i miss her terribly

If we're both

so sad, is it the right decision? We are both hurting so bad. Isn't one person supposed to be happier? The night of January 11 was one of the saddest of my life. We are both just so sad. Ca someone tell me if it's right? Should I fight to keep us together? I just want to hold her. Want all the hurt to go away. Want her in my arms again.

matters of her

no matter how bad it hurts
she still keeps
pounding
in her cave

each pound reminds me
that my hell continues
til
she decides to

stop

when will she decide
that i have
had enough
breaking
and repairing

when?

will the pain
surrounding
her finally push her to
surrender and

succumb

if she turned
to stone
un-penetrable

would the heavy
weight of her
pounding granite
feel

better

than the empty
pain of
want

her presence
leaves little
room

to breathe

i feel her laying
slightly to
my left
warming
revitalizing
pushing me

but i don’t
want her there
anymore
i
don’t
think

she drags me
kicking and
screaming
to bliss


then she leaves
me
to navigate
her journey

alone

I Love You

To believe in three words so much
that all humanity is based on the
middle word alone
is asinine

Titleless

It's not often that I write so honestly and expose more than just surface emotion, THEN POST, but I am going to try to hit the post button when I am done. It may only be up for a second, before I freak and take it down.

I am not sure about this girl I am dating. I am sure that I love her, don't get me wrong. The thing is, is that sometimes I feel like I am just biding my time with her. I feel like we really don't have much of a future. I hear you all saying, "Nobody knows what the future hold." True, my lovies, nobody, not even me, knows what the future has in store for any of us. Who knew I would be here right now?

I know that we are so different and yet when we are together, those differences disappear. She melts into me and I into her, yet we can be so separate and still comfortable. (I have to admit that I am still holding back a lot of emotion and fear, because I am not writing this on Word first. Possibly, though, if I was writing in word I would never even have the chance to post. I am trying though.)

Alright, sometimes I feel really self aware around her. I can read her so easily most of the time and I can sense when she's questioning being with me. It makes me wiggle in my seat just a little. I try to act normal, but I think that just exaserbates the situation. I feel like she questions her choice of a girlfriend that is poor and less, shall we say sophisticated, than her. Then I remember that she loves me and I haven't, until Thursday night, questioned that. (Thursday, she finally called me and pretty much told me she was singlehandedly deciding the future of our relationship. At that point I questioned how strong the love and respect was.)

Just when I start feeling so insecure, she pops off with an amazing text or a gift or a fantasic date or, the best, words whispered in my ear.

She and I have different goals, values, ages. She has a lot still left to learn about how life really is. She has been handed every opportunity, I work for my mine. I don't begrudge her that. In fact, I think it would be harder to fall flat on my face from such a height, then to start out on my ass. Her world is crashing around her; it is a fragile world she lives in. I want to be there for that crash. I want to help her wash her bloody nose and get back on her feet. I know she will withdraw, this has become very evident.

Three times now she has pulled away. Once when she questioned being a mom to my kids, which I never asked her to do. Once when she got very depressed and ran back home to her uber controlling dad. (nothing to do with me.) And this last fight we had. In some ways I am very jealous that she can run because I can never get too far without one of three or all three getting hungry, needing to pee or not wanting to leave in the first place. I envy her freedom, or do I? Perhaps if I had her freedom to withdraw, I would never resurface. She is strong enough to resurface. A quality I admire in her as well as wish she didn't have to use.

She's so used to hiding from and simultaniously dealing with the pain, she sees no other way. And antidepressants help too. I refuse to deal with my pain using a daily dose. (Drunk cupcake baking doesn't count since I haven't drank since.) Her way of dealing frightens me because I can't be around all the time to not let her pull away. I wish I could stand between her and herself, but I also don't want to be her saviour all the time. Part of me hopes thats she will see that talking about certain things and throwing caution and trust to the wind may not be as hazardous as they sound. I want to be her rock.

I am also very aware that we are still in the getting to know you stage. We have been together since the moment I met her three and a half months ago. Yet, she has been out of town for about forty of those days, with minimal contact. When she gets back in town there are hours used up getting back into the comfort zone. (I like my freedom when she is gone, I want a little more communication, but otherwise...) Being still in this getting to know you phase of our relationship, neither of us fully trust the other. I still tell her only surface hurts, I know that's all she shares with me, as evidence of something she said Thursday night. She said I just should have known how sad she was. (Not a fair assumption, I know. I told her so.) Hopefully, one day, I will know how sad she is by her mannerisms alone. Hopefully.

We have so much to learn from each other yet. We still haven't seen each other since the fight on Tuesday. It's Saturday. She texted last night and asked if we could start over. I said yes. Of course I said yes. I am not ready to end this thing yet. I am so curious of why we are together, what this crazy universe has in mind, that I don't want to let her go...just yet, if not ever, but like I said before, I have no idea where this life will lead us.

I like to think I am very present with her. For the most part, I am. Only when I start to feel a little off balance, do I think into the future and the lives we both envision. Her big house with windows facing a lake holding our motorboat. My one room cabin in the woods, wood-burning stove to heat the place, drinking from the stream down the path. Her incredibly fast, fancy Audi; my worn leather feet. Yet there is a middle ground that I have often thought of. She wants a place by the lake. We can build with straw bails. My practice could be an out building. Then the questions start forming. Will she grow out of the allure of money equals comfort and happiness? Will I come to realize that a comfortable lifestyle is something I like? Will she start thinking for herself instead of relying on "what's always been done" in her family? (ie The women don't work.) Can we learn to communicate more effectively? Is she the one who I will learn the most from? How will I evolve?

I am working on my patience, I really am, but it's hard not to want to know all the answers now. Especially when I want to know in the name (excuse) of saving further hurt. I really tried to be super honest and open in this post. I think I was, but I also know there is still so much I deleted that I will have to write in Word and not post.

Today

I am so much more sad today than last night. She texted last night just to make sure I got home safe. It was a nice enough text. It took me a while to text back because I couldn't think of what to write. I'm home seemed too short and mad and anything else seemed like I was justifying my position. I settled on telling her that I know what it's like to have your world rocked.

I texted today to tell her I hoped she had a good lunch date. Hours later I got one back. Now it's 615 in the evening, almost 24 hours since the fight and I am so sad. I just want to hear from her. I called and left a message, but haven't heard back. I fucking hate this time between a fight and a make up. I'm on edge and it doesn't help that the little ones mirror my mood.

I'm just sad. Why do fights always have to be about stupid shit? When will it all be better?

Sadly,

me

UPDATE: She finally texted and said she needed space tonight. I was already drunk and baking cupcakes by then. I fucking miss my gf. I really love that girl.

That Sucked

We just had our first fight. She is very upset that her injury has put her out of the game for the year. She has known this since Thanksgiving, but it sinks in further every day. Today offered her another reminder that she can't play. She barely brushed on it. She didn't and doesn't tell me her feelings when they are bad. It's just inferred. She was really distant to me. Really distant. She kept making little remarks to me and using what I felt was a snide tone.

Finally, it got to me. I asked her if she was frustrated with me and if not, what was she frustrated with because it was very apparent. She told me to leave. That she couldn't believe that I would add my sensitivities to her bad day. I could have waited til tomorrow to tell her how I felt. Obviously I couldn't. I just don't like being talked to like that. I tried to rationalize with her, but it's good I left.

I'm home now. I really want to tell her that I know. I know what it's like to have the life you envisioned for yourself torn from your grasp. I am so frustrated with her for not sharing exactly how she is feeling. I've been there, I know what it's like. I maybe should have been more sensitive to how she is feeling because I do know.

Possibly even more frustrating is the little lesson I am catching onto. I was really angry with her for not sharing her feelings when I haven't once let on how fearful I am. She has no clue what goes on in my head. I don't tell her because I don't want to burden her. How can I be angry with her for something I do (or, really, don't do)?

New Years Update

Met the parents. I need to start at the beginning of the night. She came to pick me up. When she walked in, she stopped and just looked at me. Then she said, "You look hot." Right. I did good with the outfit. In the kitchen, she told me that she got me a New Years gift, since we decided not to exchange christmas gifts. I said that wasn't fair and there was no such thing as a New Years gift. She said it's a Canadian thing. I called bullshit. She said "Canadian underground." (Witty girl, she is.) I closed my eyes as instructed and when I opened them, she was holding a necklace. The charm is a perfectly weighted white gold ball, with one side of the ball carved out and a small diamond set in the center. I was speechless. I love it.

With the necklace on, we headed out the door. When we got to her house, I was told to wait out by the car while she retrieved her parents. I was super nervous at this point and this standing and waiting didn't help. Her mum came out first. She looks like a really short Hillary Clinton. I introduced myself and held out my hand, which was promptly pushed away and replaced by a hug. Was nice. Her dad was next. Like a giant Nick Nolte, he lumbered toward me and hugged me.

I was a less nervous by now. The ride to the Ocean Club seemed like it took forever. They asked me a zillion questions about me, my kids, my schooling, my work, my future plans. My goal to be a doctor and how I will achieve it. I felt like I talked too much. (I asked her later and she said I didn't.) She said something that I didn't hear. I said, "What's that, hun?" This is something I say alot, to anyone.

When we got to the restaurant, we were immediately served champagne. I usually don't like champagne, but this was tasty. Maybe because I was so needing it, maybe because it wasn't the usual Brut my family serves at New Years. We were seated right in front of the live band, so at least there wasn't much talking. A toast to the New Year and new friends. Cheers. "Lemondrop Martini, please." (In Ocean Club speak, that is two martinis for the price of one. To regular bar standards, it's about four shots of vodka. Can anyone else see a problem?)

After the toast, the couple next to us was seated. He's huge and goofy looking. She's absolutely gorgeous. And when she takes her coat off, her boobs are just staring at me. I couldn't help, but look. I remember that I am being watched, so I quickly turn back to my drink and look up just in time to see her dad watching me check out the girls tits. Good one, self! Fuck.

I have to pee. I excuse myself from the table. Stand up and oh shit, I'm a little tipsy. I have to walk really slow, they can't know. Especially because I just ordered another martini. In the restroom, I meet Pinky. She the bathroom attendant, because people in Scottsdale can't get their own paper towels. I tipped Pinky well because I would hate to be stuck in the bathroom all night on New Years. She's pretty funny. In typical me style, I make friends with the bathroom attendant. Apparently while I am in the bathroom, my gf's dad says to her, "So you two are just friends?" She says, "Yes, we're friends." She can sure skirt around the truth.

Back the table, my gf asks me if I had noticed the chic with the boobs. I told her of course and I told her that her dad catching me looking once was enough for me. My other martini was there. Yum. I start to have to tell myself that every move I make must be slow and controlled. Once I make contact with the glass, I must have a firm grip on it before I move it to my lips. And so it went, this dialogue in my head. Her mom staring at me the whole time, her dad judging me, sizing me up, making sure I am worthy of his daughter. (At this point he can't get it out of her, her gayness remains a secret.)

The matre de, James, walks up to my gf and they exchange hugs. He puts his hand on my shoulder and say, "It's nice to see you again." Her dad tilts his head at this. See James is in on the big gay secret.

I have to go again. Slow and steady, I don't think I am really walking crooked, just seeing crooked. "Hey Pinky, girl. How you doin?" You know those stupid MySpace surveys going around right now about 2008? There's one question about the dumbest thing you did while drunk. Well here it is. "Pinky, you want me to go get you a plate of that Alaskan King Crab? I'll bring it back in here for you." She replies, "Girl, you a riot. I'll lose my job. Now you want some lotion?"

Eleven o'clock. She tells her parents we are leaving. And so we go. I am super trashed. I NEVER get this trashed. I am always so good at stopping myself before sloppy. Yeah, not so much this time. Hugs and thank you's all around. We decide to come back to my place. I'm thinking we should have a fire, then I'm thinking, Fuck I'm drunk. I can't light a damn fire. I'll burn my house down. So we sit on the porch swing and smoke some weed. I thought I was fucked up before, well I had another thing coming. We weren't paying attention to the time, so when the first gunshots of New Years rang out, we were a little surprised. Much kissing ensued.

The next day after she left, I received these texts:

"Mum loves u by the way, dad likes you but didn't like u calling me hun lol, im like dude she calls everyone hun, hes like its how she said it" (This particular text was accidently sent to her dad. And he asked if lol meant lots of love. Great.)

Next text:

"Hes like shes infatuated with u, its the way she looks at u..."

Next text:

"He asked me if u were just a friend..."

Oh yeah, the man is onto us. (I feel like a teenager.) Still she refuses to tell him. He's practically begging her. It's her thing, but what he thinks of me is rather unnerving. I feel like a dirty old (wo)man stalker preying on the young and innocent. They leave in the morning. Nice people, but I will be glad to have my secretive gf back all to myself. Sheesh!