Friday, August 31, 2007

The Origin of the Species' Tension

Tribe: a division of some other people. Division? Absolutely. Is it possible that hate, strife and human friction (not the good kind) began when people started dividing into tribes? I believe so. The division continues. More people put themselves into a box, a tribe, when they fall victim of a label. I will not be labeled. A label is a defining adjective. I don't have a definition. Stop labeling me. I am an individual and the only group I belong to is humanity. I started this blog on Friday and have since had several conversations with D. I have always been an individual. There is not really a time I blend on accident, or even on purpose. I am accepting of who I am and I stand by the choices I have made. But it's not good enough for me alone to be un-labeled. With labels come stereotypes. There's no arguments there. Yet, we perpetuate this attitude. We continue the cycle and even fall victim to our own labels that someone else gave us. So, E, when I answered A2's question about whether or not I wanted to be a lesbian, my answer was no, not because I don't like what I am doing, but because I don't fall into , nor want to be in, that box. It's too narrow. I am Jen. I am a human. I love. I do good where I can; I label and stereotype too, but with alot of conscious awareness, I can stop.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Feelings...like the blah blah blah blah blah....

I feel so happy tonight. My job is easy. I am well liked by those I care about and I aced my math quiz. I am at the right moment in my life. I am doing what I was meant to do. I am interacting with exactly the right people. Time is short, but perfectly in sync with my whimsy. I am...on top of MY world!!! I am energized and exhausted! I am harmonious. Who knows how long this will last, but I know when I am here and eventually, I will know how to get back every time I stray. A big shout-out to my friends E and KR for helping me with the kids and having to see HIM everyday. No worries, tomorrow, I pick up the kiddos!!!! I love you all so much and I want the world to know!!!!!! Okay, to much enthusiasm. I like ism's BTW. I should do a blog of ism's? Anybody up for and ism jam session? <3

Holy Guacamole!!!

This is really embarressing, but I now work at ADP. There, it's out. Now, can we move on? Well in a second....seriously the caliber of people who work there is amazing. One step above never educated. Today I had a serious (for the other person) conversation about Cupie Dolls, Star Trek Enterprise and who was the better captain, a psuedo political non-debate :P (no fair, cuz my opponent was, well, not savvy), a challenge for me to eat meat again so I could enjoy honeybear bbq, whether or not a 15 year old should have a cell phone and how did I get my job at Paychex, the test was so hard. The math test or the personality test? I asked. There was a personality test? she asked! Hahahahahaha!!!! Here's another snippit. I turn to my "pod" members; POD being the enclosed group of four cubicles, and said, "It's been a while. What is the Social Security wage base limit?" ............. Are you ready for this... (oh wait, my entire building is sales people and new loads (implamentation).... Scrunched faces, furrowed brows, blank eyes....."What are you talking about? I just key in the information." Holy fucking shit!!!! How does this place stay afloat? Please soemone kick my ass if I become so complacent that I let a computer think for me. Here's another example, "This client actually called me and asked me to do void checks (vouchers) for net to gross. I don't know how to do that. I had to make her do it and give me the numbers." What the fuck??????? Now, the reason I work here is that they were willing to pay what I asked for, I now know why, and the location is closer to my house and opposite of traffic than the new Paychex location. Also, I am getting a divorce and moving to CA with my kids in a year and I needed money to save and pay down credit cards. Am I off the hook now?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Alix Olson

I want to scream. Where has she been all my life? She's my innermost thoughts. She's the culmination of all I believe. She says what I get in trouble with my family for starting to say. Can she be my voice? No, but she can be my courage to speak louder. Those of you who know me, know I don't have trouble speaking up...except to my family. What a strong will. I am so excited now. Going to listen to it again. Thanks KR!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Without the 3rd wheel there'd be no tricycle....

Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others
Lonely: destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support

I just learned what lonely is and I'm not, by definition, lonely. Except, maybe, intercourse. Then what is this feeling? A longing for another human to be completely intimate with me. A person who shares my dreams and encourages them for the greater good of both of us. Really all five of us. Are you already in my life and we just don't know it? (Secret smile...)

Friday, August 17, 2007

The Je Issue Put to Rest?

She called today. She sounded down. Said she was tired and got irritated when I asked her a second time. Lots of pained small talk and I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about the other night. (The other night she told me all the bad things about herself that she could think of in a lame attempt to push me away. Then after I finally told her I don't play games and I like straight-forwardness, she told me that she didn't want a relationship. That we were in two totally different places in our lives. I told her I didn't either. Besides that we live a gazillion miles away, I have alot of shit going on in my life. She called me about an hour later when I was almost asleep calling me baby, asking how my night was, and telling me that she would talk to me "tomorrow sweetie". Ummm, that was weird.) She said she didn't want to talk about it then she said she did. I told her regardless, I needed to say a few things. She said she was happy we were on the same page. I told her that I still wanted to hook up with her when it was convenient for the both of us and she agreed. That felt good. She said she had to go, so we hung up. I called her back after a while because I felt uneasy about how we left it. When she answered, I told her that I had to tell her one more thing. She grumbled because she thought it would be something bad. It wasn't. I just wanted to tell her that I really cared about her and that I missed her camp stories and our lighthearted dialogue. I wanted to still get to know her and become friends with her. She started right away laughing and telling me about the "chicken kicker"! That's what I needed. I think we will still have a future, not in a relationship way, but she will be in my life for a while.

Tickle Me Emo

Who cries at a bar? Apparently me. What set me off this time? Two breakdowns in less than a week...so unlike the past me I got used to. I will try explain. School is starting on Saturday. I am scared to death to be the oldest person in there. Although, thank goddess, I don't look it and none of those young whipper snappers will even suspect my geriatric state. I am also so afraid of failing. Getting up on Saturday morning before 8 is scary enough. Having to be somewhere by 8 is another story. Then there is getting to T/TR classes on time. My new job is in Tempe, my school is in Phoenix. It will be so stressful on the roads. How will I deal with that? I think I will just have to try and leave at 445. My boss seems really cool. OK, so then there is my job. I accepted the position at ADP. I had to take a pre-employment drug screening. I was so afraid I wasn't going to pass, I used another's pee. She's clean and that's what matters. I did the drug test yesterday, which definitely explains some of the tears last night. In preparation of the test, I drank tons of water, read all about how to pass the tests, how long MJ stays in the body and what other substances I could take to debunk the test and buy me some time...just in case I chickened out using D's pee. When I got to D's house to pick up the specimen, I took a shot of vinegar. That shit stings the throat, but I'm all about the cause! I also drank a whole bottle of cranberry juice, and one Ibuprofen and one Tylenol, both of which fuck with the results. I rocked my body hardcore yesterday. At one point I had so much water in me, I felt lightheaded and almost drunk. I have the pee and KR and I set off to the lab. My seat heater in my car is on and I am sweating my ass off just to keep the pee warm. The lab is no longer able to perform drug tests, they have run out of kits. Off to another lab, meanwhile, I have pee in a medicine bottle stashed in my underwear. Get to the other lab, have to wait. It's all good, right? I am scared shitless. I have never done anything like this before. I am so grateful KR was there to keep me calm. The tester calls me into the back. She pulls her rubber gloves on and I have this immediate vision of her patting me down. Oh Shit! The bottle is so obvious. I actually thought to tell her it was my portable vibrator. She asked me to empty my pockets. That was it. I was so lucky. In the bathroom, I dumped the pee in the cup and peed in the toilet my own pee, so they could see I did in fact pee. I waited and waited and waited for the temperature spot to turn green. It was faint, but it went. I walked out and handed her the cup. I had to tell myself several times to steady the cup because my hand was shaking so bad. The deed is done. One less thing to worry about. Picked up the kids and E from school. Well, E really drove herself home, but it was like picking her up. Last night was the last night for me to do two step lessons at the Cash. Except NOT. It was Elvis Death Anniversary and the Lesbian Community was celebrating his life in Style. There were swing lessons and because I don't have a steady dance partner, I did not get to partake of them. I want to take dance lessons bad. I think I need to see if there are any on Saturday after my other class. Went swimming with E, KR, kids and JH. It was fun. My baby K got tired of playing with me and actually told me he wanted to play with his other mommy. (That's E.) I think both mine and E's chest puffed a little with pride! Earlier in the week, the woman at my school admin office told us that a child should have two moms. That was great. HE told me that HE felt it was unfair that I was able to budget to save $1000 per month and that HE felt I should pay for half of the bills so HE could save an equal amount as me. Last week HE said that I should pay the car payment, the cell phone bill and half of daycare. I told HIM I would pay for all that and the whole daycare bill. HE always knows the worst time to drop a bomb on me. HE wants to make it as hard as possible for me to move. I guess what HE doesn't get, even after all these years, is that my will is strong and I will get what I want. Je and I didn't talk at all yesterday. It kinda sucked. I guess I am a little disappointed with the situation, or I was last night, at least. I texted D from the bar. The text was semi-genius, I thought. Of course I was drunk, sooo... It said "Without the third wheel, there'd be no tricycle. I know I'm important." I knew D would know that this was an explanation and a plea, a satiric joke. She understood. Unfortunately, she didn't have her phone on her 'til much later. I really hate not having someone to hold my hand or hold me at night. (Except cuddle Wednesdays!! Haha!) I don't want to be romantically alone anymore. We moved to a couple of different bars and drank some more. Still only three of us. I hid in the bathroom at one bar, left the next bar and E followed me. Even after I texted her not to. I don't want or need to be followed. PWK must think I am the neediest, drama princess ever! I should have had them drive me home after the Cash, but I thought my night would get better, not worse. We ended our club hopping at Charlies, a really fun and packed country gay bar. We went outside and the subject of my straightness came up. I am really sensitive about this right now. I don't belong in either world and that is a very unsettling feeling. I am pretty unconventional anyway and I don't fit in everywhere all the time, but I am also very black and white on alot of important issues. The question of my sexuality is gray. I don't like gray. I want to belong somewhere. I don't want to be in limbo anymore. That conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked E where the bathroom was with the full intention of just walking the 4.5 miles home. I made it to the side of the bar before I had to sit. I didn't leave my spot for a long time. D finally called me back. Not because she heard my drunk message or my crying message, but because she read into my text. Feels good knowing someone knows me so well. Likewise, E caught on quickly that I didn't just go to the bathroom. I cried alot outside, went inside and tried to tell E I had allergies, even though I knew she wouldn't believe it. We talked again, the serious ME and YOU, nobody else really matters talk. I need that strength right now. Just like I needed our Wednesday sleepover. E means the world to me right now. I danced a couple of times, but the second time, my dance was interrupted by a phone call from A-DS. She's an amazing person. The night ended when a very drunk, soon to be VERY hung over, E fell of a bike with only one peddle and injured herself. At home, I am not sure how I got myself to bed in PJ's, but I slept hard. The night that I prayed to end was finally over.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Do I love myself?

I think my answer was too hasty. It's been my answer for so long that I guess it is easy to just go on believing what I always have. My answer was NO. In no uncertain terms, no. But I don't really think that's it. There are things I don't like about myself, but I am realizing that there are so many more I do like. This has been a year of growth and exploration and acceptance. Short of plastic surgery and/or serious commitment to exercise, my physical body will remain the same as it always was and I accept that. Not only do I accept it, I love it. I am slim and have bones showing where I want them to. I still have fat days and, more than not, bad, or rather, lazy, hair days. I am fortunate to own a couple of hats.. I am dealing with my inner chaos and everyday I recognize and accept my short comings and, more importantly, my qualities. I am a kind person. I have a lot of love for my friends, whom I consider my family. I am giving, sometimes to my detriment. I look for the good in everyone and every situation. I do run my mouth a little too much though and I hold onto the past fiercely if I have been wronged. I am never on time, but not always late. And I get mad at other people for the same problem. I over analyze things sometimes and I can't let them go. I talk about them over and over and usually the problem is so much smaller than I think it out to be. (Like Je....) I used to wonder what my eulogy would sound like. After what E said in the car on Sunday, I don't even care anymore. That was all I needed, to know I touched another person's life the way so many touch mine. So do I love myself? I don't not, that is to say I could. 2007 has changed me in ways I never would have dreamed. I love the person I have become in the last 30 years and want to see what the next thirty brings.

Big Words (and wishes) For a Thunderstorm

It’s 3am. I wish I had {someone.} with me to witness this transcendent exhibit by Dame Nature. The split second daylight followed by a cannonade so loud the air and earth reverberate about me; a whispered mist coming from the wind-driven rain outside my asylum.

I Wish I Was Back

So I went to San Diego again last weekend. Got in this morning around 1am. There is so much about this trip I want to say and so little that is coming to my stuffed brain. I am not sure whether to tell it like a story or just write about some amazing things that occurred in my brain and out. I was mad when we left an hour and a half late. I was mad because I had to face the wrath of HIM. I was mad cuz that meant we were getting there and hour and a half later than I thought. I was mad cuz I felt like we both had alot of time to pack. When she got in the car, she knew I was mad. What I didn't realize was that she has shit going on too. I am not the only one with a vida loca. We had it out for about three minutes, then it was done. I know you hate confrontation, E, and I know I force it on you and I am always impressed by the way you deal with me. (Even though I may not show it at the time.) The drive was long. I drove 5 hours and 45 minutes, she drove 15 minutes!! Ha! I was delirious when we finally switched on the freeway stuck in traffic at 9:30 pm. Finally at the hotel, shittiest parking spaces ever. But you managed and we didn't move the car all weekend. Je and I started where we left off. E and A-DS started over...again. At Captain Keno's, a little kissing in the bathroom hall. Baby, she called me, then stopped and said she couldn't call me that cuz I wasn't her girlfriend, so I suggested that she and I be weekend girlfriends, and that's what we became. Then someone walks in and she runs away. Went from pinning me against the wall to locking herself in the stall. Whoa. She says sometimes people aren't as cool as that guy, the one who walked in on us, was. She says they can be downright mean and instead of listening to it, or fighting back, as I would do, she runs away from it. Am I so naive that I think I can take on every intolerant prick out there? Got drunk fast. Back at the hotel, I got to be on top and figured out my hip bone is very handy. Someone being concerned about my pleasure took me aback. I actually didn't know what to do with that. I had performance anxiety more than once because I was expected to enjoy myself too. I can honestly say getting her off was a pleasure in itself. Not like a boy though. I wasn't a tool, I was a participant. I could definitely do that again. And I hope soon. The girls drank all day Saturday and smoked. :( I am not a very good pace yourself kind, so I was sober most of the day. Gosh I am sure there is so much I am forgetting. The beach sparkled. Not metaphorically, The Goddess actually sprinkled glitter on the sand for me to be delighted every time I looked down. I love the ocean. I love how peaceful I feel when I smell the air, taste the water, hear the waves.. I honestly can't think of anything bad that has ever happened to me by the ocean. Buried A-DS in the sand. What a sport! Je and I had a little moment. I said something she didn't like, or really understand, and she had a physical reaction, then we went on like nothing happened. Later I made her discuss it. I don't like pending issues. Je and I left the beach to take a shower. She showered first. When she got out, she smelled so good. I wanted her and that was the hottest I have been in forever. I got to use my hip again. Hehe.. I think my favorite memory of the whole trip will be going to get takeout from one place and running to the bar for a little drinky drink... or three. We had the same bartender both nights, Da, we shall call him. We found out that they had a birthday cake every Saturday night, so later we surprised A-DS with a bday celebration. Anyway before we picked up the order we had shots and mudslides and conversation and kisses and peace. We raced to get our food. I won, but it's just cuz my legs were longer, Je is fast. We ate our food on the balcony patio at the Portafino Inn, room 228. The breeze was soft and the burger was amazing. Laughter, food, friends and a lover. Does it get any better? Apparently so, cuz Je and I got into the hot tub after dinner. The bday celebration commenced at C.K.'s. The drinking continued. I went down to the beach alone that night. Drunk and happy. I stood in the water and got my PJ's wet, almost lost my shoes. When I got back, I curled up next to my weekend girlfriend. So comfortable, so real, so content. Then she left at 630 in the morning. Back to camp. Will I ever see her again? Was leaving as hard for her as watching her leave was for me? The rest of the day is a blur, until I had a total and surprising breakdown in the car. I don't want to leave. I am uncertain about the future. Will I be able to move? Is this job right for me? How much can HE hold me back from my dreams. The hug I needed the most came from the seat next to me. It was then I realized how powerful the love and friendship I have with her is and how I had affected her life. What you said to me was unbelievable. How could I have so much influence on someones life? Del Mar Beach was amazing, absolutely worth the $35 parking ticket I got for not reading the Pay Here to Park Here sign. Dinner was great the ride home was great the fact that you had your pipe on your lap for the border patrol to see (and they missed) was great. I hate to be back in town, but I did miss my friends and I think VD and KRL *ABSOLUTELY MUST* move with us to CA. Unconditional love and acceptance are the two greatest things I can teach my boys. Tomorrow, I will write about Sunday morning with Joyce.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Open Mind, Open Heart

I have always thought of myself as very open. In every sense of the word. Accepting (as well as hella readable). I love so many people for so many different reasons. Have I ever passed judgement on someone I didn't know? Yes. I can acknowledge now that what I did was hurtful. This may not be the most coherent post; it's late and I haven't been stoney in weeks, but I am going to try to make some sense of my thoughts. I just finished reading an amazing book. To me this book is a story; I don't identify with the main character at all, but I have friends who do or possibly would if they read it. The story itself isn't as important to me as the lesson I learned from it. Words can be weapons, even unsaid words etched in a disapproving face can be so damaging. I have the capacity to love and yet I find, sometimes, I withhold it. The reasons are, I'm sure, many. Fear, mostly though. I fear that what I see in another that I don't like, judge, make fun of, what have you, is what I don't like in myself. Upon first sight, I see only physical manifestations of character. A gait, a feature, perhaps, clothing even. And based on that, I choose whether or not I want to get to know a person. How many amazing people am I pushing aside based on one sideways glance? A skewed view of who a person is based on a one second assessment? Is it possible to get to know every single person I see? Yes, I think so. Probable? Absolutely not. Based on a person's appearance, is it okay to decide not to get to know them? The guy at my interview today that walked by, he looked dim, a mouth breather, probably loves NASCAR, no wedding ring; maybe he's lonely. I just don't know and as you can see from the first word I chose to describe him, I don't really want to know. That is about as honest as I get. I'm a real asshole. I think every conscience moment, which if you really think about it, only a few moments in your life are actually conscience, I spend examining myself and my tendencies, will bring me closer to real acceptance for all humankind. I promise myself that I will try harder not to come to snap judgements about people because maybe I would like NASCAR if I gave it a watch. Maybe.

Monday, August 06, 2007

E

Just posting some love for my girl E. H-bomb is a asshole. You deserve way more than that. Don't settle until you find the person who is meant to be with you forever. And not her, cuz I don't think I can hear about it forever! Haha! You and I have an amazing friendship and sometimes beyond. Some days I don't understand why the universe brought you to me and some days I am grateful beyond belief. Don't ask me why. You will have a piece of my heart until it beats no longer. I have said things to you that I had never said out loud before and you didn't judge me. You have taught me things I would never have learned alone. You have brought me to tears more than once, you gave me back things I thought I had lost forever. You also piss me off the most of any of my friends! You always keep me on my toes, that's for damn sure! You are the BD to my SM and always will be! I love you, mama!

Jobby Job

I had that phone interview I was so nervous for. I showered, dressed nice and did my hair and makeup for a phone interview. How big of a dork am I? It went well, which is what I was afraid of. Then I had a face to face interview. I went in with the cocky confidence that can get a girl in trouble or hated, but I didn't care. I don't really want a job anyway. Now I have been called back for a third interview with the GM. Why am I allowing this to go on? I guess I like to entertain the idea of an 18 dollar an hour job. I know I am worth at least that in my field. Before this third interview, I have an interview at Mama Java's, my favorite coffee shop. It's probably an 8 dollar an hour job that would make me really happy, but would not really help me towards my goal of moving. I do really need a break from the kids, and this job could afford me the possibility of being home sometimes during the day and being able to still pick them up from school. This decision is mine to make ALONE. And that is just how I am feeling right now, ALONE. It seems to be a no brainer, the job where I make the money, right? The thing is, I hate corporate america. (So much I don't capitalize america.) I hate the thought of killing myself and destroying my family just so I can have money. I realize that I need money to do the things I want to do, but there must be a better way to accomplish these goals without being Bush's whore. So I have to weigh my pro's and con's and really think about it. You wanna know something, if I take the coffee shop job, I can smoke this weekend. That's a pro. I haven't been stoned in almost two weeks and I am really wanting to get stoned with Je this weekend. I may go the interview tomorrow at mama Java's and hate it, who knows? Any of my readers have any advice or want to help me weigh out my pros and cons, you know how to contact me.