Setting Boundaries

What will this cost me? Could be everything, I suppose. I could lose my friendship, the closeness we have. I have to do something. I am a really touchy feely person and to lose touch will be devistating to me. I have lived so many years without intimacy, without feeling like I was wanted as a person, not a body. I lived without wanting to be with the person I was with, without wanting to touch or be touched. Now I yearn for it. Now I look for it everywhere. Now she says she wants to be my uncomplicated friend. My friend who is my rock. Until all my complex relationships are solved. Complex? Solved? What does this all mean? She's right. But I had to figure out on my own what I think she was saying. Thank goddess for D because it would have taken my dense head forever to figure this one out. I have no boundaries. My need for physicality and sexuality may have cost me something good. And to put a stop to what little intimacy I have may gain me nothing from her, but in the long run will I find what I am looking for? This half relationship I have with her is intense. It borders on abusive, more than I like to admit. Can we redefine our friendship without destroying it? Without destroying eachother? KTJ doesn't want to get hurt. I know in my heart what my relationships are and but I don't know the order of priority... I know that I should come first no matter what, but I don't know how to do that without someone else getting hurt. I am going to have to be alone for a bit. But where, how? I am also going to really have to open my heart up to several people, at my own risk, knowing full well that it will hurt so bad. Am I strong enough? Do I really have it in me? So many complicated issues. How did I let myself get here? How will I get out? It used to be easy, my thoughts were to clean my house, clear my mind. But, it's really not like that, is it? My mind can't be cleared. My heart is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. When did I become....me? How can I change me? How can I let go of the past and forge to the future? I'm pullin away from it all so that I can gather my thoughts. I will talk to you each individually. I am afraid. Terrified of the outcome. Of my future. Of not ever being wholly loved. By myself.

I Fucking Hate Pretentious AZ Bitches

What is up with girls in Az? There are some really cool chics, but mostly dumb assholes. I didn't want to fuck. Jesus Christ I didn't even want her number. I just wanted to dance, motherfucker. Just shake my groove thing. But newsboi bitch couldn't even say no. I didn't really even want to dance with her. Just wanted to get JLB a little sumpin sumpin. But shit, yo. You think I just asked her to have my finger in her butt. God Damn. I mean, it was a dance, I didn't even like the song. Her shit do stink, prolly worse than mine. KTJ just rocks. JLB rocks too. I totally rock. E woulda rocked if she weren't so lame tonight. Did I mention I like vicaden? BS was in a shitty mood again. But she was really hot and I almost forgot she's one of them. Stuck up fuckheads. Fuckin' bitches. Geez.Suck it AZ motherfuckers. Eat twat, but not mine, cuz honestly, it's too tasty to be wasted in your mouth. I'm feelin' done now. Better. A little. Fuckin' whores.

This Jealousy

So I'm seeing this girl, KTJ and there seems to be a little jealousy that is coming from two people in particular. It comes across as negative words and thoughts and at times anger and frustration. It makes me feel sad, confused and a little resentful. I have listened to and watched both of you with your exploits. I have been happy for you. I have given my ear and my shouder when you needed it, but now that the roles are reversed, you both are not there for me. Say something kind. I feel happy when I am with her. She has her demons, just as I do and you do. I admit, I feel a little sad when I feel left out because either of you is spending time with someone else, but I don't think I have ever been catty (except with a certain OF) and in somecases just mean. Let me know if I have. Please be happy for me. She makes me feel so comfortable. She is affectionate, openmided, strong, willing to let me be vulnerable sometimes, as well as let me take care of her. She doesn't make fun of me if I wear a goofy outfit. Conversation is easy and flowing. We laugh together...alot. On the otherhand, we can have a serious debate and not get mad at eachothers opinion. She's not afraid of the public opinion, a quality I admire. I'm scared as hell of this girl. Scared that she doesn't feel the same about me, even if she has told me she does. Scared that I will let myself fall and get hurt when I crash. I am trying hard to take this for what is in the present. I am not looking positive toward the future because I don't want to get my hopes up, but I need to start looking at tomorrow and projecting many blessed things happening. I promise you, my dear friends, that I will not forget the lovely women who hold me up daily. I love you all very mch and I will readjust my time to fit everything in, but without overextending myself.

TJK

Will I let myself go? Can i let her in? Can I risk the pain and gamble the happiness? What if this is real? What if it's not? What if the other is who I am supposed to be with and the emotions we juggle are real? Always looming in the back. Always there. I have a lot of deep down what-if's that i have to let go of. But i guess for progression sake, I have to deal with those fears sooner or later. But I think I have found someone who allows me to truly be me. No judgement, no condescension, no facade. There she is in all her clippered fur glory, living peacefully under the radar. Finding beauty in so much. Working hard for her life. Sleeping peacefully in udder darkness. Please let me feel life again. At any cost.

Where is it?

I have asked the question over and over. Where is it I belong? Sometimes it's a place I am wondering, sometimes a caste. Do I remember my road trip fondly because I miss the open road? Did I feel the peace in the forest that I remember? Was it the grand adventure I tell people? Or did I warp it to be just how I wanted to remember? No. I feel like all I remember is real. I do not want to own a house anymore. I do not want my children to grow up stagnant. I want life around me. Not greed, or wanting or wishing. I want real freedom. I want to be free of these pressures I feel to be a good woman, a good wife (working on that one), a good mother, a provider. I can be all of these things on my own terms. I can define what each of these is for myself. My transformation from yesterday me to today me happens every night. I learn something, I lose something, I meet someone, I disregard another. I drop my puzzle and reconfigure. Every morning is new, but how many tomorrows do I have? How can I keep questioning without taking action? I am so afraid to make a wrong choice, to fuck up, but am I fucking up by not choosing? What would it take for me to be out on the road again? What would it take for HIM to let me take the kids? Is it good enough for me to only have the summers on the road? What will this dream cost me and the kids and who will be brave enough to support me, possibly go with me? Will I die along the way? Maybe, but I will die having lived. A little piece of me dies every day while I wither in this life I am afraid to let go of. I am a take charge woman, SO TAKE CHARGE SELF!!!! Do this. Make it happen for you, self.

You Should Be Pissed Too!

How is it ladies and gentlemen that we have let breastfeeding go from the norm to taboo in just 30 years? Even the fundamentalist christian right has no argument as to why breastfeeding is so bad. Only the christian scientist do; and really how can I argue with an alien?! If this were shown on TV now, parents would crucify the network, boycott sesame street. What is so unnatural, so wrong? When did we become a country of simultaneously
whorey and modest folk. Your two year old daughters are dressing in halter tops and butt shorts, but quick, hide them from a ....breast? Feeding a baby? How the fuck do these right wing assholes and righteous fuckers think Eve fed Cane and Abel? Furthermore, what the hell do these people think babies ate before corporate America came in and made them fake food? I've got news for you people!!!! Jesus suckled at a tit!!! And virtuous Mary DID NOT cover with a recieving blanket, hide in her stall or nurse next to the hole that served as her toilet. Biologically, my breasts were made for the purpose of sustaining my childs life. And they have in a restauraunt, at a bowling alley, in the company of friends and strangers, at work, at a hockey game, in my bedroom, with the door open, at the mall and any place else my child's inert need arose; all without hiding what I was doing! Please reconsider what you think is gross, immoral, indescreet, inappropriate and unnatural.

Procrastination

Why is it that I can't even buy a computer? I don't even want to look at them, but I know I want one. I have the money. I put off the tooth thing until it was a root canal. The divorce til HE was happy and it would be less bitter. I talked to SS last night about starting a new relationship. I said I didn't want one. But sometimes I do. How far could it go? Which phase of life would I find myself in when it ends in heartbreak and tears? Why do I have to think like that? Is it possible for one love to last forever? To look back and think gee, I've been happy, lucky and in love since I met you a lifetime ago. What an amazing possibility. Is favoring sexual chemistry for what is definitely a safe, boring bet, the right thing to do? Is is okay for me to remain singlish for a while? And E, how does the dating more than one person thing go? How do you keep up? So I am putting off answering these questions. What a surprise right? I think I am getting sick and I am super tired. A little frustrated too.

Apparently

Being married doesn't make that big of a difference. It's funny when I finally let it go and let things happen, they happen. Just like that. I am the luckiest girl in the world. At least today. I must try to remember this feeling of complete contentment. It could be because whatever I smoked with my sister K yesterday was hella good and is residual. Or it might be cuz I kissed a hottie last night and I am still riding that. Holding onto post make-out texts. Hoping to do it again later today. HE is happy. He has a gf. It's a little strange, but cool. The kids like her. She has been a family friend since before we were a family. She was at our wedding. He was fucking her before me. I could definitely see her as the kids step mom. Hmmmmm.... Back to the hottie...

I'm not mad at you

Hello my friends. I am in retreat mode. I am not mad at any of you, I just need personal reflection time. I love you all and I will be back to myself soon. Those of you new to this, it's normal. I shall return soon.

HumDrum

"U r entertaining my brain..Tell me that ur not married..It just occurred to me i just assumed u aren't" That means she likes me, right? But I am married, on paper, so that's bad? Grrrrr...So frustrated..I mean we talked after and I explained. Then tonight she cancelled out hang out tomorrow, cuz her friend needed her. Rescheduled open ended for next week. Wait and see wait and see wait and see. Always wait and see. I don't wanna wait. I just want something. I thought things were going well for me. They are, I just have to keep telling myself. BBS still hasn't called me. Waiting......So impatient. Fuck. Then there's SS. What a doozie. I have not written her name, yet. What a woman! Too fucking bad she's so fucking far away. We have amazing conversations, we can talk for hours and most of the time we do. I have shared so much, sometimes I think too much. But i know once she's in, I am open for heart break. So everyday, I think, I should end this now before either of us gets hurt. I should change the way I think about her. I should not allow myself to be so open with her, but everyday, I change my mind. You see, it's so easy to just let things be. It's so easy to pretend hearing about the other girls doesn't hurt. She's there. She listens when nobody else can. I am hurting so bad, not knowing why now? Why her? Why there? I just wish I could let go. Let everything happen. I got a text yesterday that said don't wish things are good only when they are bad, wish they are good all the time. I am sick of wishing. Fuck Cinderella, wishes never come true.

Hello Today!! What a strange week it's been. E's been out of town, it seems like forever. I guess we will start with Thursday. Cherry Bomb! My sister EM came into town Thursday evening while I was at school. I picked her and JLB up and we went to the Cash. The line was really long there, so we changed plans and went to Vibe to kill time before Cherry Bomb. There is this amazing looking butch bartender at Vibe. I made sure to order all my drinks from her. We drank and danced, then left and went to CB. CB was very fun. I made out with Orange Face's girlfriend!!! That was the highlight of night. The kissing was alright, but the fact that I found out later who it was made the whole thing that much better. After that little tryst, I hung out with my friends and looked around for E'sK and realized that she hadn't been in the whole time. I asked E where she was and the answer was in her car. I found out later that she couldn't pay the cover, so she didn't go in. Also, E wanted to make out with JLB, so having E'sK in there would not have been conducive. (The next morning E and E'sK jetted off to SF and somehow I got wrangled into taking them to the airport.) E and E'sK left and we went back to Vibe so JLB could see FA; see, suck face, whatever. In the meantime, I was stupid drunk and I had started drinking water . I couldn't believe it when it happened, but the ALB bartender started hitting on me. She asked my name and we held the shake for a while. We'll just call her Butch Bartender S, or BBS. I was so stupid drunk, I told her she was hot and asked her if she gets that alot. I was surprised to hear her so no. Hmmmmm... Well then, can I kiss you? Wow, holy drunk and stupid. To which she responded laughing, not at me, no. She asked when I would be in again and I told her that I would be back Saturday for Boycott. She has a beautiful smile. I went back Saturday and finally at 15 til 2, I asked for her number. She gave it to me and I have called, left message but no return call. Well, I guess I am not so sure how sexy persistence really is. She works at the bar all day and night, so I feel like the ball's in her court, but I really want to talk to her, you know? See what she's like. Anyway, I took the kids to Rainbows Fest on Sunday with JLB and her two girls. Kids are a chic and fag magnet. At a certain booth, I caught a young lady's eye. Really cute girl, who later recognized my kids. We had a mini convo about how dating mom's is easier for me because mom's get the intricacies of being a mom. She tells me that I was wrong and that others get it too. I asked her if she get's it. Yes. Somehow convo moved to my diet and and JLB says too bad there is no good place to get a vegan pizza. I say, no there are a few, but I like Eddies in Tempe. KTJ, that's her name, asks where it is and I tell her it's by Pita Jungle. I've never been to PJ. Well then, I say, there are two placed I need to take you. JLB remarks that I am smooth, I deny hitting on KTJ. They both disagree, so I ask KTJ if it's ok, she says yes, so I ask her if I can call her. She says yes. Yesterday, we talked for 45 minutes then texted non-stop for 5 hours, then talked for another hour. The texting ended and talking started when she asked if I was still married and guessed I wasn't. I could have lied. But then again, I couldn't. the reaction was what I expected. I wish to be divorced and figure out all the stupid shit like custody and house selling later. I just want to be undone from this tie. I fucking hate it. GO WITH YOUR GUT! my gut told me over and over not to marry, that we would have a life without this ring and paper, but I still did it. NEVER OVERRIDE YOUR GUT!!! So i guess I need to wait and see where all this goes. It was a good confidence boost none the less.