Loose

Not my giney, asshole!! No ma, I am really drunk right now. Who knows what will come out in this blog. Went to Mexico Saturday morning. Come home Monday morning around 2 am. I had a fucking blast. I do believe the only time I was sober was (not on the car ride, that's for damn sure) when I passed out at 7pm Sat night. At least all my friends passed out with me. What a strange ride this has been. Friday was fucked up. Drama with E and H. Holy fucking shit. I actually puked because I was so pissed. Never happened. I was shaking and crying and trying to hold it together for 7, yes 7 little kids, but I vomited. Situation, irrelevant. But the strangest thing happened. I immediately told them both, right then, that what they did was uncool, then I told them that I couldn't talk to them right then and later I called each separately. I know what I felt and i remember my hands shaking and the puking, but I don't recall the feeling. I was, am, not even pissed anymore. Tonight I went out to see the Mercury play. Fun shit. Met some hot girls. Hung out with E's "girlfriend", not H, names A. A is a really cool girl. We are going to hang with the 'rents on the lake this weekend together. Kinda funny actually. I actually asked E if it was OK, which I really didn't need to do. Less drunk now. Talked to sis on the phone. Going now to bed. G'Night. More later, cuz I have a feeling today had some serious breakthroughs. My cobwebs are gone. Literally and figuratively.

I Have Smoke Down My Pants and Other Things I Like

*I like taking a cold shower and feeling the heat of the day run off the top of my head and down my back.
* I like the lonely sound underwater.
* I like the perceived sound a zit makes when you pop it.
* I like random hugs from friends.
* I like the songs of the night birds.
* I like catching myself in the mirror and really liking what I see for just a second.
* I like deciphering sloppy T9 texts. They make me laugh.
* I like the warmth that runs through my body at the beginning of a buzz.
* I like daydreaming in my bed while the real world is in full swing around me. I like more when my daydreams really happen later on.
* I like that rare feeling of an instant connection with a stranger. It happens to me when I need it most.
* I like the anticipation of a first kiss.
* I like reading other peoples blogs.
* I like to wake up Sunday morning, log onto Post Secret and cry while nobody is around.
* I like the sound of sirens. It reminds me of running code with my dad when I was a kid.
* I like the smell of clothes saturated with smoke. I love my daddy.
* I like being a part of inside jokes.
* I like having a psychic moment. Like knowing who's on the phone while it's ringing (no caller id) or thinking about a person from the past and them turning up in my life moments later. Both things happen quite often.
* I like how the TV gets really loud then fades when you fall asleep with it on.
* I like remembering my dreams. Like last night I dreamed I was eating dog food. I have been reading Running With Scissors.
* I like how I feel like I lost an amazing friend when I finish a good book.
* I like knowing that friend could be a dust cover away if I need them again.
* I like how three months ago I was emotionally blocked, hadn't cried in years, and some shit went down and now I cry when my carpool kid plays a solo of Amazing Grace in the school's end of year concert.
* I like interpreting body language while I am people watching.
* I like making up my own dialogue for Spanish soap opera's based on tone and movement.
* I like wearing no underwear and knowing that nobody knows, but some would like to.

So since I told myself enough is enough, I feel pretty fucking good. Had a little jealous pout the other day and felt really dumb afterwards. Anyway, I am getting my shit done. Little by little, by and by and all that jazz. I actually love all these things listed above and I know there are so many more nuances that make me want to live for a long time. I really love my boys. As for the smoke down my pants, I'm on that. Ciao.

Just for Today

I will not wish I was something I am not. I will not hope to be anyone I can never be. I will accept my limitations. I am who I am today. I can change and today I accept that the change may be slower than I want. I cannot live in this rut anymore. So today I will set small goals for myself and be proud when I accomplish them, but if I don't complete one, but for lack of trying, I will add it to my list tomorrow. I am one person and I have to stop sometime, but I cannot be lazy anymore. Nor can I let emotion hold me down. No more weeping. The change is in me, the motivation is here.

Alrighty then, where that came from I don't know, but seriously... I have to stop all this emo shit. I am allowed to be emotional, but that's all I am right now. Crazy insane. I analyze everything to fit this awful preconceived notion. I make bad things happen when I do that. Wow there is more daily mantra in me yet.

I'm logging off now before I start a program to "get you motivated". I did start a program on Saturday. "Pre-Hydration and Re-Hydration to prevent De-Hydration". That's good shit. It's a drinking thing...it works. If you would like the whole program contact me. I will hook you up!! Pretty much guaranteed no hangover.

Broken Eggs

E and I had a long talk last night which left me feeling sick to my stomach and even more hopeless. Not her fault. Everything she said was right. I do need to make the changes necessary to be happy again. I do need to make myself do it because I am so unmotivated that I will just get more depressed if I don't do something now. I also realized, after crying all morning, that I ALWAYS put all my eggs in one basket. And I ALWAYS drop my basket and my dreams break and ooze all over the place. My soul exposed...again. And even though I know this, I feel like I can't stop it. I took off my wedding ring last night and put it away. A sad step to move forward. There is nothing attached to it, but I really don't want HIM to hurt anymore. Or is it that I don't want to see HIM being mopey anymore. Do I have guilt? Impossible, I don't harbor such emotions. Well maybe I do...how's your stomach, E? Ha. Moving on, like let's say to someone foreseeing me with a man taking care of me... I just don't see that and here comes that nauseating pull on my insides. I have never and will never need a man to take care of me. I am guessing, however, that because we were stoned at time of conversation, that this person meant, perhaps, someone who will let me be vulnerable. The crushing part is that, going back to the eggs, it was a man foreseen. I am really freaked out about typing this, but I had just a little hope that girls were in my future because maybe that's what was to fill in my lifelong void. Maybe if I had some sort of identity, I would be whole. Maybe if I had something concrete, something I knew for sure in my life, that I could be happy for once. Truly happy. Now, maybe not. I mean one person's opinion really could mean nothing or everything. I am a raft losing air, collapsing in on myself, sinking deeper into a nowhere. Well I just cried, again, and I am going to publish this and probably feel foolish when I reread it in a few days. I accomplished a goal last night when I took that ring off, now a million more small goals to conquer. Each one will lead me to my yet undetermined goal for life. For now though, the proverbial hen can keep her eggs, I can't look at another yoke for a while.

here I am on the up

Just a day after devestation and I am up up up. The difference is that I have not been alone since yesterday around 4. I didn't realize how much comfort my kids give me. Just them being around is comfoting in a way. A2 is playing alone and K is sleeping, but I know they are here. So alone with my thoughts, bad. I met someone today. Not that kind of someone. She is already way involved, but her story is very similar to mine. Married with kids, chose girls and happiness, got divorce, happy with girl. We are gonna hang out some time and talk. My sister KP was with me at the time and she said something that made me realize that although I mostly don't think so, I am an okay mom. She said *I love parents like my sister who let their kids be themselves and they accept it.* (The girl I met has a son who dresses in drag and plays with brats dolls. He's 8.) What an awesome kid and mom. I openly accept my children. My slow (not mental, but physical, literally) 8 year old. My pistol 7 year old. And my 4 year old Dr. FrankNFurter. I love those boys, that's not to say I don't get frustrated, cuz I do often. Things are bad in my head right now. I am all twisted and half of the time fucked up, but I will learn to live within my boundries. I can take flight unrestricted without hurting anyone, when I figure out how. For today, because who knows what tomorrow's sun will bring, I am okay. I think I am still a little fucked up from last night, but that's helping I suppose. I would be afraid for me, if I wasn't me, if I read this last week of posts. Holy Hell.

I am in HELL

Saturday, no one home. I have no gas in my car. No biggie, right? I'm a big girl, grown up, I can get gas for my car, except I can't. I have 35 dollars in my account. What to do, what to do? I have no food in the house, I need gas for the car, and HE has the money. Probably not much left though, being as he had to get his paycheck early so we could pay mortgage. So money is just a small fraction of this hell that is my life. I will make money without having to work, even if one of my best friends did take my business from me. I was too lazy to make anything of it, so she did. I just want to sleep forever. Not deal anymore. No more. The house is a FUCKING pig sty. I can't control those boys and what's more is that I don't want to. I don't want to be their mom anymore. They yell at me, hit me, tell me they hate me, I let them, I deserve it, right? I allowed myself to be careless and selfish and I need to take it. I don't take that shit from anyone. Except 3 assholes under 10. I want to be gone. I hate this house and all the dreams I thought would be connected to it. I hate everything. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate myself. I hate that I am not a good mom or house keeper. I hate that I don't want to be good at either of those. I hate that I don't have a talent. I hate that I admire so many and I can't even look at myself. I hate that everyone I meet is better than me. I hate that I don't want to be better. I want to be curled up somewhere far away, no people around me. I'll go out tonight. I will smile and make people laugh. I will be charming and fun and happy, but I am dying inside. I could snap at any moment. Thank god for vodka. Although I am almost out of that too and I know I need gas and food first. I have to start on cleaning the house AGAIN. The little assholes aren't home to wreck it for another 5 hours, then the process begins again. I hate this life, this hell. The only thing missing is brimstone.

read between the h's

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True Story

Two Target employees walk into a Walgreens. The one tries several hairpieces on her tits, the other a squirrel on her giney. Short, bald Wal-ployee squatting in the toy aisle. "Excuse me, can you tell me where you keep the beaver food?" (Secret snickering from the adjoining aisle.) "The beaver food? I'm not sure we carry beaver food. We do have rabbit food though." "But we have a beaver, not a rabbit." "Doesn't your beaver eat wood?" Holy fucking almost lost it, but then this comes. "No...our woodchuck does though..." Can't hold it... "Let's just go check by the rabbit food." Follow, follow, follow... "We have Kibbles N Bits." "My beaver doesn't want Bits..." Second Target employee- "Can't Pussy wait to eat until morning?" Oh no she did not, oh yes she did... "You named your beaver Pussy?!" Two Target employees look at said Wal-ployee. "Um, yeah, what's wrong with that?" Can't hold it any longer, going to burst. Walk run to the door, "Thanks, and our beaver, Pussy thanks you too." Holy tight fuckin' abs after that shit. A, you fucking made my night!!!!!

Will this fucking nightmare end?

Just goes on and on and on. Like I will be running forever. Always exposed. It started as a bad dream and I thought I could control it, but now I feel queasy all the time. My hands shake, my mind can't focus. All I have are my dreams that I can't remember most of the time. I can't make it all go away. I just want some peace from this anger swirling around me. I can't make myself love HIM. I can't. My heart is in a million and one pieces, scattered throughout the earth. One piece with every person I have ever met. Some people have bigger fragments than others. I want them all back. I want to feel whole again. I don't even remember what whole feels like. Whole is probably as desolate as this fraction of heart I live with now, but without experience. I said I wished I was dead and maybe whole for me would be dead. You gave me back my ability to feel raw. To be vulnerable, except, then, you left me there to figure how to cover up again. Clothes-napping while I was skinny dipping. Not even a towel. I am falling falling falling and it feels like I will never touch grounded and well and healthy. I am falling asleep, the only reprieve I have from this nightmare called ME.

It's the big M.D.

The dreaded day has arrived.HE gave me a ...Thank you card? I don't get it. If HE chose that beause he knows that I hate the commercialism of M.D., then why even support Hallmark at all? A Thank You Card? The boys gave me a mothers day card and A1 gave me a crocheted pot holder and A2 gave me a hand made book mark, which is perfect because i just bought new books. I am pretty into all of the books i bought. I forget how much I love to read and I never realize how carried away I become in outside life until i have to remember that I love reading. So desperate to get out, I forget to go in sometimes. I spent all day away from my kids. They went out and when I knew they would come back in, I went out. I went to K's (the K stands for her real name, but I call her by a nickname, so K will henceforth be known as D, cuz I get confused, plus my littlest one is K) to swim while she and her family were out. It was a perfect afternoon. I was safe, I could read and swim and get out and feel relaxed, even if it was only for 2 hours. I may have hit on something there. Safety. Could it be that I don't feel safe when HE is around? I don't mean physical harm, although I could probably take someone in a fight before HE could. I mean , safe from anger, name calling, accusing eyes, rumor starting, HIS eminating depression and so on. Nah, that's just an excuse. I just don't want to feel guilt. Lost my thoughts. A1 was digesting loudly and couldn't sleep cuz the grumble was too much. Gave him water, read the LCC and tried to come back here. No go. Bis morgan.

Why

everyday i wonder why you are in my life. why you haunt my thoughts. i wonder why i put up with your shit and come back for more. why do i let you hurt me over and over? at first I thought I knew why, but it's all different now. you are inconsistant and inconsiderate. you don't know a thing about my life, or so it seems. everyday i want to hear from you. at first, i wanted badly to contact you, but in time, i have realized you will call me when you need to. every broken plan, every un-thought-through word that comes from you slices my skin, opens up a new wound and a new wonder, makes me feel sick to be a part of this fragment of my life. why? why do you do it? why do i let you? why? i know you have no idea you are doing it. this is normal for you. i just wish i knew why.

I Hate Mother's Day Because I Don't Deserve It

So I thought I could just let it go as just a title, but there is too much left unexplained. Last night was one of those nights I always need, but dread. A cry night. I was so distraught, I called a new-ish friend. That didn't work out. No offense, but "Just do it" wasn't really what I was looking for. I know what I need to do and it is hard. If I do the math, divorce immediately effects 5 people, then our parents make 9, then our siblings make it twelve, their kids make it 17. Then all of our friends lose a little hope as well. Hope for their own rocky futures. Hope for their own sliding relationships. Then there is my hope. All is lost right now. I am so down, I don't see a way out. I am confused about my sexuality, my future, my kids, whom, at the moment are confused themselves, about what is right vs. what is necessary. I have to re-evaluate all my dreams, reconfigure my goals, learn a new way of life. I have to find a really inventive way to make a living without going to a job. For the first time in my life, I am not sure I have it in me. My energy is drained. My walls are being built higher and higher with each new hurt. I am running so fast and far, I can't see what is right in front me and I know there must be something. There just must be. Today HE texted me and used a code I use on my blog. Is HE really violating my last attempt at privacy? Or is HE just as creative as I am? As for the title of this heavy entry, I feel like I don't even know my kids. I am my mom...that makes me feel sick. I can be that cool mom, but I will never be a great mom. All I see is surface. Some people can look at their kids and really know them, I just don't have it in me. I always whine about intimacy, but my poor boys lack it so severly from t heir mom, I should be taken away from them. They never asked for me to be in their lives, it was forced. I remember when they were babies, I had such dreams for them. Now I hope they survive the daily mental abuse I dish. When they grow up will they be assholes like him or me? Would it be better if I wasn't in the picture? No. I know the answer to that. I am the mom from YaYa Sisterhood. Ashley Judd, just not pretty. I go from cool to huge mean bitch in two seconds. All I need is a bunch of pills. I am going to go to the batting cages to beat the hell out of some balls, since I was let down yet again. Too tired to think and it's only 3pm. Mom's day is tomorrow, do you think they will know what i am thinking when I open their beautiful handmade gifts?

All right, universe, i get it!!!!

It will be easier to feel free once you accept the limitations now being placed on you. Keep in mind that this isn't about living without boundaries. Rather, it's about working within them. Don't try to push the edges of the envelope. Restrain yourself just enough to maintain the status quo. Whatever difficulties you must face, life will probably be easier within a few days.

This was my horoscope today. Now to apply it.... My boundries are definately parenthood. The kids are going away for two weeks in a few weeks. Some of those days, HE will be gone too. I will have a few days of freedom from my kids, but there is still the rest of my life. work within the boundries.... whew. I can do that. I am a mom first, an individual second. I should tape that shit to my mirror. i keep thinking "after this week...", but then another week comes. How long can I put things off? As for now, I hear it loud and clear. It's 10:41, so who knows what will happen at 10:42, but at least I have this to remind me.

Blue Crush

Everytime I watch the move Blue Crush, it makes me wish I was someone I am not. A surfer, a hottie, the girl with perfect hair after I get out of the ocean, a girl who gets to be on the ocean. Doesn't matter. It also reminds me that I am not what I ever wanted to be right now. I love my boys, don't get me wrong, but why couldn't I have waited? I feel like I could have done great things. Better than changing diapers, cleaning constantly and not getting anywhere, sucking horribly at disipline, making food all day, wishing I was skinny for eight long, painfull years and on and on. Right now I can't see right side up. I am sure there is something good here, but i am so ass-backward I don't know which way to move to get forward again. Some say put all your energy into the boys, I can't, I won't. I know it's what they need. I am so fucking selfish i can't even give my children my attention AND THAT'S ALL THEY NEED NOW!!!!!!! I could have done so many things, instead I chose to fuck. I mean I chose to have sex, with a boy who I was lusting...(barf a little in my mouth). Freedom..... free, to do what I want, any old ti-i-i-ime. Working just to pay the rent and the rest goes to my fabulous hobby. No kids, no responsibility. Fuck, I am thirty and what have I done? Birthed three, half ass raised them, talked myself into loving retail, sit around a dirty house because I can't even respect my own accomplishments. Nothing. I am nobody great to anyone. I am just another person in this lonely world. I have nothing to offer to anyone except good advice that I won't even take for myself. Wow. Fucking hypocrite. So I am having a pity party...over a movie, so what? At least I do that well. I actually don't own this movie because I would be on anti-depressants if I did. So where to go from here. It's not one of those you got yourself in, now get yourself out deals. It is kids, they are here FOR-fucking-EVER!! They are mine to love and (gulp) mold into fine people or crafty criminals. I have often thought of taking them out of school and teaching them on the road for a year or five. They could read books, sing and scrounge for money. Could I really work my ass off, save enough to get us somewhere cool for a while, then get a shitty job once I am there to support us in the pop-up? Probably. I might even be able to sell stuff I make right? Haha, now i am full of shit. I mean a kid has to have some roots, someplace to call home. I have such an urge to flee, just GO. Take them and find a new life. Something amazing. But amazing to me may not be amazing to them. It is always a question of fucking the boys up. Then there is HIM, but this blog is about my delusional fantasies. (sleeping naked, no morning breath, amazing sex, to name a few others previously blogged). I want to break free of this traditional domestic bondage. It's not me. It wears on me like an 80's tafita prom dress, two sizes to large. Just gross. Worse than that, I do NOT want to wake up old and ask myself *who am I? what the hell happed to MY life*. So the solution is to wake up from this terrible nightmare called life and figure shit out. Baby steps? Full-on put-it-out-there shit? I have been thinking of writing all my secrets on paper and depositing them into books at the bookstore. Liberating myself from them and I do have ALOT. It works for some people, why not me? I was able to give up all food (basically), biting my nails, false security of marriage, and so many other things. Why can't I give up my half ass dreams until they are grown up? I think it's because I don't have any. Or really any attainable. Some would say that is why they are dreams, not goals. I don't draw that line. I can make a dream a goal, then a reality, but I have to have a clear vision of what I want to accomplish. And I don't. What will my end results be? Idealism is what I work with. Do I even exist in my life or is my head in the clouds until the shit hits the fan and I need to come back down? (That was like a two cliche sentence. Rad.) One time, I talked HIM into subletting the apartment for the summer and living on the lake with the baby, A1, and working shitty jobs so we could be out in the sun and on the lake twenty four sevn. It didn't work, we got into more debt and I hated my job and the babysitter. I haven't done anything like that since. Fear? More likely lack of motivation to pick myself up off the floor after I fuck up again. Do I know the difference between TV and real life? Sure, but who doesn't want a blue crush life?

Seises de fucking Mayo

Ok. So. Good thing my phone rang yesterday or that post could have gone on forever. Eeeegads. K and I went to the Sugarland show last night. What a fucking amazing show. JN puts so much energy into her performance, it is unbelievable!! K and I were d-runk before the show and got drunker during. We got called Lesbos, I guess for holding hands. Hey Lesbo, you have yer sunglasses on, Hey Lesbo, don't ignore me, Hey Lesbo, tell yer lesbo friend she still has her sunglasses on. I guess i was too drunk to fight or I might have fucked someone's shit up!!!! Haha, not really. That guy was kinda short, I'da just bitch-slapped him and been on with my night. But, as it was, I couldn't hardly walk, so that guy got off lucky... The night did not go as planned. never does I guess. I am dying to go out dancing and as of this weekend, have not been able to. Anyway, I convinced myself I was sober enough to drive home with a sizable amount of goods in my bag. STUPID!!! I was alright, stayed in the lines, k watched from behind for a while, but wow, I'm an idiot. Kids came home today, found out they may be going to Georgia for two weeks with in-laws....FUCKIN' A!!! that would be fabulous. i love my kids, but I am really loving my own time. So the two weeks after school gets out, i am going to be free to do what I want. Roadtrip, anyone? Don't care where, just that it's not too big of a rush. I love to be on the road. Maybe some beach time? Oh the possibilities.....

I'm so fucked up

I can't be alone with myself. I am so antsy. My legs shake, or I shake them. My thoughts are a blur. One moment one thought, the next something unrelated. What is it I am missing? I can be calm when others are arounf. I am focused and chilled. Right now, I feel like I might go crazy with unrouted energy. THen there is the problem with motivation. So much shit needs to happen right now. Like I am thinking that the house needs to be super clean and sold. Yup, sold. How can I get a clean divorce and still own this house with him. D I V O R C E. Am I fucking myself in the long run? Will I realize somehow that I need him? I guess if I didn't realize it before, I won't ever. Am I fucking the kids? They are angry. A1 shows it very much, A2 hides it til he needs to explode about something small like losing a shoe. K, he's ok, I think. I am so into myself these days that I don't even know my midgets. Worse than that, it feels like it's out of my control. I have a NEED to get away and so I am drinking more than I ever have in my entire life, smoking alot. Going so far as buying my own stuff, I shouldn't have bought it. I regretted the money exchange immediatly, but I want the escape. I wonder if hard core drug users start at this stage of knowing it's not right and letting themselves do it anyway. Probably. We are all concious beings. I am well aware of the path I am going down. Not only is it bad for my body, but my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be either. I will finish this bag and be done for good. Fuck I can say no to all sorts of things, even bud, right? I am not saying I am addicted or can't say no, I just want to feel calm and insane for a few minutes. I work so hard to put only good things into my body, you know, you are what you eat, but are you what you drink and smoke?

There's a draft before this one

Mind is blank
I am so ....
Fuck it all to hell
I got nothin' today

I......... have a problem

or a hundred million gazillion. I am addicted to myspace. The thing is, I know it's a phase, just like everthing else in my ADHD life. It will go away soon, right? My cell phone definatley doen't ring as much anymore. Although I carry it around with me like a lifeline. I wish someone would text me. Holy dumb blog today. I am so scattered I can't concentrate on anything. Come over here and take a nap with me. I want so badly to be able to call someone over for a quick nap. I could temporary close this lonely hole with J, but what good is that? Then I get all of his drama back in my life. Can't have it. Two forty a.m.:text: I'm sad.I'm gonna shoot myself in the mouth. My response, nothing, I fell asleep. Shitty (sing song voice). I don't need that shit. What the fuck ever. Then there's HIM, I need sex as much as you. Fuck me baby, fuck me! Barfola!!! What the fuck? Men, fuck that shit, women too. It sounded good, really convincing, but who is trying to be convinced, you or me? I am a runner, I know the routine. Run, run, girlfriend...Frustration, just words to you, you're not in my head, the whole story to fit all of these tidbits is in here, running like a slide show. Pictures making a story. I know who and you don't. Unless you are who, then you know... or should. Quick, get the girl some meds, she's lost it. Kbaby's sleeping. All the same, boring when he's awake too. I will meet you and we will know right away. Save me from the mundane. Can you really fuck up a kid? Or are they take it as it comes beings until they learn otherwise. Stop now.

So I Got Curious....

She told me alot. I know, but that was her experience. And since I have none or very little, thank you, I thought I would look up others and this is what I found...or at least the one I found most amusing, in a good way.

http://people.ucsc.edu/~aaarons/lesbiansex101.html

So no matter if you are straight or not, this is hot right? I was turned on while I was reading it. Hello? 90 minutes? Why isn't every woman a lesbian? I know I need to work on being me now, but later....